I will run my race

2007-12-12T10:35:00.000+08:00

Wo shi ai ku gui.

Someone teach me how not to look back.
I hate it when I am walking down the streets alone, especially ambling through those familiar places, memories would just come flying back to me.
My heart still aches. So fresh. Just that I do not show.

I do not like to classify myself as "a girl with a broken heart". That is why I hardly shed my tears in front of people. In the past when I cry, I never know when to stop. Yet now, I will force myself to stop crying more than 5 minutes.
Why? Everyone tells me I have to be strong, and stand on my own two feet.

Is it really that tough to be friends again from lovers? Why do the three of them dislike and stay away from me? Did they not know the pain they had put me through all those times when I was with them, yet they never apologize.
I have forgiven. When will I get my chance to be forgiven?

Don't worry. I am alright. I just need to express my emotions somewhere and I chose here.
I still love my BF, BFFs and BB-Fs.They are great people and whom I care the most. Maybe I just need to open my heart little more.
___________________________________

[[Cry]]
Rihanna

And I've, got all the symptoms
Of a girl with a broken heart
But no matter
What you'll never see me cry.

2007-11-23T02:08:00.000+08:00

I cried.

Some asked me why I have stopped updating my blog. Well, part of the reason is -I am just plain lazy.. Been very busy with work and school till recently, I just realised I have not touched the TV remote control for almost a month. A MONTH! Goodness!!

Life is pretty much alright? Baby is still ever so sweet and irritating at the same time. =D

8 more days and we will be celebrating our 3rd month. Come and think of it, this month has not been a smooth one for us. Any alternate days, you would see me showing a black face at him. Yet through it all, we learnt and understood each other better.

Yea... I cannot bear to leave him anymore. After watching that music video featuring "LEE WAN" and having those weird dreams, I know without him, I will never be the same. The saddest thing can happen to a person is when he or she still has a lot of words, wanting to tell his or her love ones, yet they are gone, forever.

I do not want to come to a place where words are left unspoken, fond memories not created and love not shown.

I guess the tears and time I sacrificed for him for these past 2 years, have not gone to waste. He is mine now, and mine f.o.r.e.v.e.r..

2007-11-06T10:57:00.000+08:00

Who will stand with me?

Once again, I am being hit with the jumbo question which I really do not have an answer to, for now.
"What is your dream and vision for Him and your life, currently?"
Drat.

Honestly, I have none. I admit I am overwhelmed by reality that I can't seem to move on in life. I want to do so much things, so much so that it started to scare me. No, I think I feel perplexed instead.
Whatever it is, "A man without vision, will perish." Typical.

But I did ask myself what do I want for my life right now. After much consideration, I think what I really want is.....
A simple heart. Free from anxiety. Loving Him and people. Be happy.

His principals are simple yet man tends to make them so complex and thus create a bad image of Him.

And one thing, I am not a man. I do not think and act like how all men will. I am a woman and I believe on instincts. I do act on my emotions at times but I do act on facts at the same time. Personally, I believe that women are much more of a stronger being than the men. Not in the area of physical but emotions and self-will.
Just ask you one question:
In the is world, what is the population of single parent who are women?
I hate it when I see men despising women.
___________________________________________________

I WANNA JAY CHOU NEW ALBUM LAH!
Some kind souls can buy for me? =)

[[Dandelion's Promise]]
Jay Chou

I cried when I heard this song. Gosh..

[[I'm not worthy]]
Jay Chou

I wonder when he hears this song, will he think of me?

2007-11-02T01:00:00.000+08:00

With you around, there seems no reason for me, not to smile.

I am right now in a lovely dovey mood, thus you guys should know what I will be blogging about. What you will expect are those mushy mushy yet from the deepest of my heart kinda expressions and statements. So, if some of you guys who cannot tolerate sentimental kinda stuffs, I will advise that you should stop reading from here. It is not going to help neither yourself nor your soul. =)

Happy 2nd month anniversary, Sweetheart!!!

Yes, it has been 2 months, 61 days, not exactly 1464 hours together BUT still, I am falling deeper in love with him each day.
I must admit that these 2 months have not been smooth riding for the both of us and we have hurt each other through our words and actions, un/intentionally. Yet through it all, I believe we have grown to understand each other better and help to build up one another's self-confident.

Compared to other relationships or other guys I had dated, my current relationship and boy are a unique one. I did not share much with anyone that in fact, I have been waiting for him for 2 years. There were times when I came to a point of giving up, however one after another encounters brought the both of us closer. And finally we decided to be back together, again.

Initially, this news of us being together brought a lot of surprises and critics. Who in the right mind will be happy when they face obstacles especially objections? Hence, we decided to pray for God to strengthen our relationship and guide us to love each other in a way that we bring happiness to each other and people around us. Indeed, He answered our prayers.

I can say I love him more than how much I love him yesterday.
All that I ever want from the guy I love, I found it in him. A guy who can love people with no strings attached and find happiness in giving, I found it in him. A guy who can sits there and listen to all my complaints and chanting, without giving any comments unnecessarily, , I found it in him. A guy who is teachable, willing to admit his weakness and to change, I found it in him. A guy who is willing to do anything just to make me smile, I found it him.

Definitely, he is not a perfect boyfriend. However, I am strongly convicted in, "If you really love a person, you will not want him or her to stay at where they are currently ." This is how exactly God loves us, right?

Still, I love him.

To LSK,

All the things I wanted to say to you, I had said. Basically, I want to thank you for that lovely necklace and I promised I will wear it wherever I go. Remember to always smile because your smile, can really brightens up my day. Thank you for being there for me through out these periods despite being nasty towards you at times. Our love will always last. =)
_______________________________________________________

[[Our love will always last]]
Edward Chun

2007-10-25T10:36:00.000+08:00

Do not lose focus.

I asked myself this question.
"If Pastor Kong or Sun is in my shoe, what will they do? Facing so much critics while fulfilling their heavenly visions and dreams, what will they do?"

Ever since I gave my life back to Him in 2005, He has set me up for a lot of trials. Beside that, He has placed tons and tons of people from different backgrounds in my life, especially people who are egoistic and pessimistic. I asked Him once, "Why me?". All He replied, "Because I have chose you and I want to groom you to who I want you to be."

Handling people is the toughest job. Their ignorant and words can really kill. Sometimes, they can really drive me up the walls and I want so much to use profanity on them. To show them the strong side of me, to proof them wrong about everything they criticise about me. Yet when I look at Pastors, Sun, leaders in church, my leader and my members, my heart just sank so deep. They are fighting so hard for God's kingdom, they must be very tired with all the temptations and critics, but they do not lose focus. Who am I compared to them?
I want to be like them, I want my prayers to be answered. Yes, my faith is being tested. I need Him even more now. People are always coming against me. Yet I want to press on and hold on to His love.

I still can recalled that vision very vividly. He was hugging me very tightly while He was beaten all around by demons. His skin was teared, blood was everywhere, but all He said was, "Do not be afraid. I will protect you." I felt His strength and I am feeling it now. I am feeling it now...

"Thank You for lifting me up once again. You searched much deeper within, through the way things appear. You only look into my heart. Thus let my heart stands so pure and bold before You. You are my strength, my freedom, my God in whom I trust. I want to be with You. I want to look at the stars with You and listen to Your stories about Abraham, David, Peter and everyone else."
________________________________________________________

[[Someone like me.]]
Sun Ho

Will you come and love someone like me?
Someone who is imperfect.
For love, I pressed on.
In my journey to pursue my dreams,
Misery filled me.
I am not willing to give up.

Take a look at me.
I do not let go.
When I was blinded by tears,
I used my voice to sing my beautiful sorrows.
Take a look at me.
My heart screams for justice.
I will smile as I continue my life.

There were times when I was trapped and lost,
Because of my dreams.
There were also times I experienced critics and heartaches.
Till now, I am still who I am.
For love, I press on.
For me,I would like to have a simple life at the end.
___________________________________________

[[You never let me go]]
Matt Redman

If my God is with me,
In whom then shall I fear?

2007-10-22T08:57:00.000+08:00

How to keep the fire burning?

It must been a very long time since I last had a huge argument with my mum. Both of us were so agitated that we could not stop yelling at each other at the top of our voice. With so much anger inside me, I just stomped out of the house.
After which, I went to meet Joa to go for some window shopping at town. Yea, she was so sweet to buy me chocolates to cheer me up. *Thanks friend.* I wanted so much to watch the Chack and Larry movie, but still we are not 18 yet. Thus we ended up watching Mr Woodcock. It is a very boring movie, trust me. So much of advertisements, it turns out to be so sucky. Goodness.
Called mum to let her know I would not be back for dinner and would be home by 12. She sounded surprise as though I pretended that nothing happened few hours ago. Well, I could not be bother to be angry with her for long, she is too old to handle my stubbornness. Still, I love my mum.

School has already started and I am still not prepared. I am going to give myself another 6 more months to complete my first year and depends on my academic results, I may choose to stay on or just quit school. I will then get my dip or master when I am older. I am really tired of quarreling with my parents and always worring over money issues. I want to work, earn my own money and spend my own money. Freak.

Life seems to be a little stagnant now and I tend to feel weary very easily. I want to go back to that dance, club and drink kinda life. Yet I know BF will not like it and I do not want to disappoint him again. Oh well, but I want to learn dancing. AHHHH!!! Most likely after my final exams next year, I will sign up for dance classes. Salsa!!!!!!!!! =D

I miss BF very much now and ZW is back today. Man, I miss my leader too. I hope he does misses the CG too. =)
___________________________________________________

[[Missing you]]
1st Lady.

This song brings back so much memories.

2007-10-12T01:22:00.000+08:00

It burns.

I don't really bother anymore whether they care or not. Ever since that day, after I called him, trying to find comfort and words of affirmation, he just shoved me away. If someone who is so, so close to me can do that, what is more from others?
I am not saying that I have lost faith and trust in people, but I have became more particular in how they carry out their words and how serious they are about me.

Imagine, you are here telling your friend about your problems. Yes, she tries to comfort and give advices. However, at the same time she is busy changing words on her MSN nick, thinking of what to write about her current life.

OR.

Your another friend always tell you, she understands you and know what to do when you are upset. When the situation arises, she tries to cheer you up, yet without considering your current emotions, what you really need. She just blahs out everything, showing no interest at all.

Tell me. Which one between these two, can open up your heart and makes you willingly to pour out your problems?
For me, it is none.

Some asked me why I do not always share openly and willingly. The reason is, "Who is willing to be serious about me? Who can really show me that they want to be there for me?"
I really do not heed to explain myself further when I find that the other party fail to understand the current problems and my emotions. I feel no point doing it becuase after going one big round, we will still come back to the main dilemma.

Sometimes, it is not advices or sympathy that I need.
A pair of listening ear and an understanding heart will be enough to make me smile again.
_____________________________________________________

2007-10-07T00:48:00.000+08:00

Edited.

Kneeling at Your throne again.

Once again, I went on my knee and cried out to Him. It has been quite some time since I sobbed so hard, full of agony inside me. He was there in my room, I felt Him. All He did was to lend me His shoulder to cry on.
I did not understand about everything that is happening in my life right now. And the truth is, I have never love my life.
To most people, I am being regard as a cheerful, bubbly and mellow kind of person. Well, to a certain extend, I am. Yet, it is not until few days ago, when I finally realised.
I have never love my life.

At times when I look at some people, I would ponder and ask, "They have everything they need and want. I know they are happy with their life. How can I be like them?"
I know He had heard my cried and prayer the other night. And during service today, He spoke to me.
"Start looking at the things and the people around you. What you have and not what you are lack of. Circumstances may seem impossible for you to move on or cause you to feel alone, but look. There are still people around who love you and are willing to stand by you. Most importantly, you have Me. I am your everything that you need. If you start appreciating and treasuring the people around you, believe all things happen for good, you will love your life and find joy in it."

Right after that, I saw a vision of myself, standing alone, surrounded by a lot of people, people who play a part in my life. And they are all smiling at me. The most beautiful thing is, when I saw Him, He smiled and opened His arm. I knew what He wanted and I ran to His arms.

Indeed He is faithful and has been blessing me with a lot of blessings throughout these few years. Yet I have never noticed.
People like my family, my leader, my cousin, my very good brother, my other brothers and sisters, my friends and my lover, He has blessed me. And I know they love me.

Thus from now onwards, I want to love my life. I want to cherish everything and everyone that I have and give thanks to Him, every single day of my life. I want to stop being pessimistic and start to enjoy and be happy with my life. Will then I find adventure in my life again.

He is my freedom and He is the reason why I chose to press on.
______________________________________________________

I want to tell you, I love you.

Has been listening to a Chinese song sent to me by a sister few days ago. I do not understand why, but it seems the song is so appealing to me. I heard it was composed by a JC girl who had been cheated by her boyfriend. They had been in relationship for many years until one day her boyfriend decided to leave her. She wrote the song before she committed suicide. Well, I do not know if it is true but the thing that hits me real hard is, "Was she really brave enough to die without her love or just fear to face her life without her love?"

I know I am not brave enough to die without my love. I will be devastated, but not to a extend that I will end my life, regardless of how much I love him. However, situations like donating organs or even to end my life just to save my love, I will. Jesus did the same for all of us, didn't He?

Some people are just so selfish and naive especially when they fall out of love. They committed suicide thinking that if they are gone, their lover or themselves will be happier. Yet personally, I feel that they just want their lover to always remember them, to live in guilt and agony. Is that really call love? I don't think so. If you love a person, you should protect his or her heart. As long as he or she is happy with their life, you should be happy too.

Love is about sacrificing, but for the right motives.
__________________________________________________

[[Don't want you back]]
Backstreet boys

No, I do not want you back.

I feel so sick when I see you with your so called girl friends.
How you tell her that you will show her, what love really is.
You called me over-sensitive.
But I hate to see you giving most of your attention to them, excluding me.
Sacrifices I have made, you never appreciate.
All you say, I am not good enough for you.

Now I am walking away.
I know you will not hold me back.
All I can say, I will never call you mine again.

You were my Romeo, but I was never your Juliet.

2007-10-01T23:32:00.000+08:00

Just try me.

Why are man such a phony, arrogant bastard? Those very self-centered ones especially.
Man, their asses are just too itchy that they need some scratching. No, I will not scratch, but I will kick them.
Next are those pudden-heads. Oh man, get a life? No, I mean get some good education to increase your IQ or something? Do not forget about EQ.

I may sound cynical or judgemental through these comments but seriously, I cannot tolerate such people. They are indeed a pain in my ass.

Father, help me to endure..
___________________________________________

Playful was I, faithful is me.

I do not know what to say, all I know is that it is time for me to walk away. Away from those that I have cling on to for quite a period of time.

No point holding on because one more person is just going to get hurt.

Live well, for you have a great life ahead..
________________________________________________

I should let go, walk away and move on.

[[Should forget you]]
I do not know.

Don't bother to watch the MV, just listen to the song.

2007-09-27T03:45:00.000+08:00

I'm bored.. & moodless...

Create your own Friend Test here

__________________________________________________

Slowly but surely. I'm coming back.

I cried out to You and said, "Abba Father, please do not let me go. I do not want to walk this path of life without You."

It had been my fear and my doubt that He is here to stay with me. First time in my whole life, I feared so terribly that He would let me go, He would close the door from me. First time I felt so convicted that without Him, I am nothing, my life is not worth living.
Yet God is really a good Father, one who never turn His back against His child.

Monday's PM was a huge blast for me, totally. Although the word was very simple and short, the anointing and presence of God was there. And I was blown away as I gazed at God unfolding Himself real before me. Not saying that I saw Him physically but I finally fathomed that God has been planning out my life, He is always there. Somehow, it is like God knows what is going to happen to me and He is prepared if I ever reach my limit.
Thank God for TRP peeps, thank God that He had placed me under the care of the leader. Just when I was disillusioned that He is going to forsake me and there is no more purpose for me to hold on, God set me up. He placed me in that room, at the specified time and spoke to me. And God used them to lift me up again.

He just will not let me go and that is what I am convicted about. He could simply leave me at where I am, let me suffer and die spiritually. Yet, God is a stubborn God. When He wants it, He will get it.
That night I was so touched by His love that it felt like, I fell all over in love with Jesus again. I was chased by Him and now I am going to chase Him back.

My first love and He will always be.
______________________________________________

Break my heart for what breaks Yours.

I chose to believe it is a blessing from God and I will risk anything to protect it. I do not want to see history repeating itself again because it always involves the tender hearts of two people, their soul and mind. It can be simply destroyed just by one thing and that is sin. And hell no am I going to let that happen.

Personally, I am convicted that when you love a person, besides loving and taking care of that person, you have to protect his or her heart. What I mean by protect? It is like being a shield to the heart, defending it from any attacks.
Will you love a person and do things that breaks his or her heart? That would be so ironic right? Loving people takes responsibility because their lives are in your hands. You either destroy or protect it.

If you love me, protect my heart. That's all I ask from you.
____________________________________________

Sweetheart, wo zhi xiang ai ni, shou hu zhe ni.

Just want to love you
Rainie Yang

[[Eng translation:]]
I've finally said the words "I Love You"
Still remember that gloomy, rainy evening
The sound of the heartbeat, felt like dancing miracles
You looked at me and told me not to love you
Because you will only cause me pain
"Don't be such a fool!" [as I] quickly cried to stop [the guy from saying anymore words]
You were so cold
Suddenly felt so close yet so far away

I know that I maybe too young for you
I thought, I guessed, I asked, I've finally understood
That tears shed for love could also taste sweet

Just want to love you
When I decided to be with you,
Couldn't see, couldn't hear, couldn't ask, and couldn't let go
It was you who made me understand
How I can be so firm about love

Just want to love you
It's like every time I open my eyes, I can only see you
I know that often times I could be stubborn
It doesn't matter what you decided
Whether to finally love me or to run away
Sorry, I still can't stop loving you

2007-09-23T19:03:00.000+08:00

Abba Father, don't let me go.

I have a question for you guys.
"Compare the current Shavonne and the past Li Fang, is there any difference? Good or bad?"

Many assured me that I have changed for the better whereas some commented that I have gone worst. To be frank, I admit that I have yet to change some of my bad habits for example -constantly assuming things of the unseen. And without fail, reprimands are what I always have at the end. And it sucks.

I remembered there was this period of time during the mid year, I kept on praying that God would help me to love and have great patience towards people. I used to be a very cranky and self-centered person, remember?
It was only during the recent events happening in my life, that I realised God has answered my prayers. If those events were to happen in the past, man I know I will blow up, kick some asses and make them scream in pain. Yes, that's what I would do.

Well, by His grace and mercy, I am changed. I have learnt to be patience towards people especially kids.
Man are just so freaking difficult to handle. Praise God that at least they still have brains.
___________________________________

Why do you love me?

No, I am not trying to humble myself down and ask that question. It is just random. I know people love me simply because I am too irresistible. HA!

I once heard someone comment this, "The only person you can never get along with, is your current stead's ex." Well, I am not sure the reason behind it but some how it is quite true. I do not like her and the other she does not like me. It is quite stupid la huh..

BF has been smiling and laughing a lot lately and that makes me happy. The only thing about him that is irresistible for me, is his eyes. Awww... I cannot stand it whenever he stares into my eyes and I have to look at him. It just makes my face goes red. Idiot.. =D

Still, love him.
___________________________________________

[[Ai De Tian Guo]]
Cyndi Wang

Time never stops for anyone. Everyone is always moving on in their life and that is why their heart changes all the time.
Sometimes, I do wish that time can stop, and stop continuing. Maybe because I am just afraid that hearts will change.

2007-09-20T02:30:00.000+08:00

your love forever.

Never have I dream I would be able to call him mine again, since 2 years ago.
Never have I dream I would be able to hold him in my arms, since 2 years ago.
Never have I dream I would look into his eyes and find myself there, since 2 years ago.
Never have I dream I would see him smiling so gleefully and carefree at me, since 2 years ago.
Never have I dream I would be able to be loved by him, since 2 years ago.

Every day after school, I would hesitate whether to take bus 14 to Interchange, take bus 10 and change to bus 229 or walk all the way to the MRT station bus stop to take bus 24. Deep in my heart, I wanted to see him, even if it is only a glance.
Whenever the bus 14 or 222 drove passed his school, I would look out to the basket ball court, hoping to have a glimpse of him. In these 2 years time, I only managed to see him once. And whenever bus 229 drove passed his house, I would look up and wonder what he was doing.

A one-sided love that I treasure.

Looking back, I find myself was very silly and cute. I do not regret for anything that had happened in the past. Everything I have sacrificed, sowed are worth it. For him, it is worth it. Really. =)

Baby, smile.. you know I am always at your side.
_____________________________________________

I cried. Cried in my heart.

I do not understand this either. Everytime when I see or sense that people who are close to me, feeling upset and in pain -emotionally, my heart just goes out to them.

Do not look at how big or how big your problems can be. Remember God is still bigger than all of that. He is the same yesterday, today and forever. Amen. =)

2007-09-19T06:33:00.000+08:00

I wish I can do something.

After the phone was hang over to me, the first sound I heard, I knew you were crying. I asked, "Are you alright?" You immediately changed your tone and cheerfully replied. But why? Why up till now you are still hiding from me? I know and understand you well enough to be called your De. I have seen you in your weakest and helpless moments, so what is this to me? It aches me so much to know you're in pain and I cannot be there for you. Please be strong, everyone is worried about you, especially me. And I miss you too, terribly.
____________________________________

He is still the biggest among all.

I am not sure if this is my blood or what, but I just realised one thing. My mum and I have a sensitive soul. For my mum, maybe she is only sensitive towards me and my dad. Being a playful gal as ever, I did not go back home the whole night once. Was at my house downstairs the void deck, so please do not wonder if I went to fool around or not.
When I reached home, she was lying on the sofa and she called me. All she said was that she could not sleep because she sensed something was wrong with me although she had no clue what had happened during the night. I was surprised. She could sense I was not right even we were miles apart. Yea, I love my mum. Just that at times, I wish I can stuff some food into her mouth to make her fat. She is way too skinny.

Well, after what had happened. I have decided to stand up again. I cannot let people who still believe and have faith in me, down. It pains me so much to let them see me in such a bad state.

Sorry guys, especially Joa. I love you gal, the BEST! Hope you did not waste any precious time on me. And for you, all I can say is that your presence is greatly appreciated. You are the least person I want for you to worry about me. I know you hate to see me cry, but you always see me in that state and I know you are used to it. The moment I saw you left, my heart cried out even harder. Not that I still have that special feelings for you, but still... I am so used to everything about you. Cannot be helped. Thank you.
As for the both of you, thank you. Thank you for coming all the way down. I know I had did silly things to cause you two to worry, but both of you still care about me. Very appreciated.

And YOU! Haha.. I know you are waiting for your turn right? Well, sweetheart.. Thank you. And I am sorry for making you so worried about me. I did not turn my back on you on purpose and you should know the reason why. Thank you for comforting and encouraging me. Well, please do not try to be fierce to me, because I will be doubled fierce towards you. HAHAHAH!!
I will never stop suanning you as long as I am alive. Be prepare alright?! =D

Your love forever
Close your eyes,
Let me paint your picture,
Even if my heart becomes deserted through the changing seasons,
This much would do me good.
_____________________________________________

I am not in a loving-lovely-in-love kinda mood. Haha.. But I like this song.
And I wanna sing to that guy. =DD

[[Loving me, just got to be you.]]
Lin Yi Chen

This song is for YOU!

[[Eng translation]]
Of all the people who know how to make me smile,
There is none more talented than you.
Easily break into the walls of my heart,
You complete the beautiful dreams of tomorrow.

The whole universe, vast & boundless.
Each and every little planet, revolves around you.

Loving me, just got to be you.
I'm willing to protect the happiness that you grant me.
Loving me, just got to be you.
Maybe we'll end up laughing while crying, but because it is you, I'm not afraid of pain.

The one who knows how to make me tear,
Emanate the deepest emotion.
Leaving a scar in my heart,
At the same time, you lit up the stars.

Look, there are so many encounters.
But only with you can we create miracles worthy of Heaven and Earth.
Oh, the crevices in my heart,
I think that besides God, you can make me happy.

2007-09-16T06:17:00.000+08:00

I won't live my life without You.

I have come to a point whereby I know if He is to leave me or forsake me, worst still, all these turn out to be only a myth or a story. I will choose to die and commit suicide straight away.
I do not want to live anymore without Him.

I realised this world is a very spiteful place. Everyone is imperfect yet they expect others to be perfect, to be their ideal person. Not talking about relationships here but how many of you know what I am talking about? They just expect too much from one and another.

That was me in the past. After I known my cousin and my leader, they are the ones who kept on reminding me that people including me are imperfect and He came for those people. No doubt I can be a perfectionist at times and I used to enjoy controlling people to be who I want them to be. As time goes by, I noticed that the relationship became bitter or many misunderstanding were caused. And everything just turned out bad.

I want to change and am still changing.
No one is perfect. I have got that into my mind.

What is the new charismatic move everyone is talking about? Why is everything I, me and we? Why did I feel something is missing when we sang praises? For every sentence, there is a me, I and we. Yes, the songs are very inspiring for people, youths especially, wanting to do great things for His kingdom. However, when I listen to the old praise songs by Hillsongs or other bands, I feel His presence is even stronger. As for every sentence of the songs, there is a God is great, He deserve all praise, He, He and He, not much of me, I and we.

I miss Jurong West times. The sense of family bonding is much stronger and amorous.
And I seriously miss overnight PM at Jurong West.
Right Joa? =)
____________________________________________

forever I will sing of love.

Joa said I should blog of something happier.
Well, I guess so? Everyone reading my blog has been asking me what is wrong.
Nothing is wrong, people. I am alright and I know I can handle everything.

That person makes me happy.. I mean its really because of his one simple message that I decided to pick myself up again. Thanks for being there for me and constantly smiling at me, knowing I need that a lot. =)
Time flies very fast and I have known him for almost 2 years now. Well, those time were tough... There were times when I really want to be right next to him to comfort him, times when I just want to see his smile and times when I really want to die to kick his ass. Seriously, he needed that a lot in the past. Right?!

Haha..

Till this day, I still do not understand why I hang on to him since day 1. I have never really left his side although he had and sometimes we did not even communicate at all.
We have seen each other on our ups and downs times. And I still remember we cried on the phone twice together over some stuffs. Haha.. I guess that is why I am very sensitive to his feelings.

I used to hate him, he was a heartless moron, but now.... Haha... He is still stupid lah huh.

But I love. =)

Shavonne enjoys drinking but she is never a addicted alcoholic.
_________________________________________

[I wanna be with you]
Xu Ji Er

I love this song too.. =)

2007-09-14T16:33:00.000+08:00

To you what is really happiness, "Xin Fu"?

I guess the happiest moment I had so far throughout this whole week, was when I saw my mum reading her bible. As I walked pass her room in the morning, I looked in and saw her so engrossed with the word of God and I just smiled to myself. It reminded me that God is indeed faithful.
Still remember when I was young, whenever I watched my mum worshipping other gods, I would doubt that she would ever get saved. Yet God's words never lie and she was finally saved last month. I am happy. But that's not what I called "Xin fu".

"Whenever I fall, You pick me up." Yes, it is true that God will always pick one up whenever he or she falls. However, I believe that He can only help to a certain extend. God is there to pick the fallen one up, but he or she has to be willing to be pick up and then stand his or her own two feet.
Many times I have fallen, God picked me up and I stood on my own two feet. But now, it seems that I no longer have the strength to stand on my own two feet to continue to walk or should I say, face reality.

I'm tired, I have no faith in myself anymore. Once someone told me this, "Do not compromise the standard of serving in the kingdom of God." Well, right now I told myself the same thing. I cannot do that anymore.
________________________________

Where is the love?

Sometimes when I look at myself in the mirror as I tear, I would smile and say, "There is no point crying, Li Fang."

There are these three people, who God specifically placed in my life have definitely changed me. They were hardly caring towards me, yet through them I became someone I may or may not want to be. In the past, I was a very sentimental person, someone who get emotionally attached to people very easily. I was once very emotionally attached to one of three. Thus up till right now, even though we hardly communicate already, whenever I am in my down moments, thoughts of him would still cause me to weep in pain. Whereas the other two have taught me how to discipline my emotions through a lot of harshness and poor at showing affections from them. Despite all that, I still thank God for them.

Right now, this blow seems to have caused me to waver uncontrollably. And my life is still in a chaos. How great. I want to cry.. Really.. Yet their heedlessness caused me to stop. And when I stop, it is tough to get me to cry again. I would just suppress all the emotions within me till I feel so emotionless.

I want to sit on the airplane and fly to somewhere else.
Every time as I look out to the scenery and into the sky from the viewing mall in Changi airport, I will feel happy and excited, as if all my problems have vanished.

There is where my dream lies and where I want to be. Outside, just outside of this place.
___________________________________

[[Whistle]]
Tree Of Heaven

I love this song. It reminds me of the times with my cousin. How he took care of me and loved me. How he made me feel that this world is still a beautiful place.
Although we are no longer as close as we were, I still miss him.
I miss him saying, "Korkor sayang dede."

Dede juga sayang korkor......

2007-09-11T02:01:00.000+08:00

No one tells me its coming.

I hate to look back. I hate to face the fact that people who once were there with me, now crumpling down before my eyes. I hate to see them destroying my faith. I hate to see myself running and fighting so hard alone, for no avail. I hate, I hate, I hate, I hate myself for being such a ultimate loser.

I want to see Your glory to shine ever so bright Lord. But why can't I?

"To your point of view, it may be just a small problem. To their point of view, it may be a big problem. To Me, it is only a problem, a problem which I cannot not solve."
"To you, it may be a a little painful heartbreak, or set back. To them, it may be a very painful heartbreak or set back. But to Me, it is a only a heartbreak or set back which I cannot not heal."
_______________________________________________

Tired.

Like what my previous post stated, I get sick of people easily. Now I see myself getting sick of life very easily too.
I cannot handle all these stupid things anymore. It is too overwhelming.
My heart does not feel like doing anything, especially about the love thing.

I am not being emo here, whereas I feel like I am emotionless now.
Whatever~

You can be there for her, for them, for yourself. Yet you are never once there for me, to comfort me, to wipe away my tears, to protect me, to strengthen me. I feel like an idiot. I really do.
So now, F.O. You make me so sick.
_____________________________________

[Jealousy]
Paris Hilton

Jealousy is such an evil thing.

2007-09-05T15:48:00.000+08:00

It sounds so cliche huh?

You know what? I don't know. It just seems to be very destructive to my spiritual life.
Yes, I am always doing things but everyone just gives me the feeling like, "You're not doing enough, try harder." I am not complaining here, this topic is too vague to even mention it. Well, I am really hecking now.

2 different people, 2 different views, 2 different convictions. And I have my own convictions and hell I am going to stick to them.

Seriously, people are the worst tools to handle. Up till now I still do not understand why God put specific people in my life to either bring me up or bring me down. I mean freak those who are there to bring me down. I am not a perfect being, baby. I do have my flaws. I do not need you to accept me but leaving me as who I am is the least you can do. That kinda people are such a pain in my ass. Goodness.

What I like to eat yesterday, I may hate it today -that's my character cultivated since young. Unique huh? Well, I think its a hinder to me instead but I do not care. I get sick of people very easily. Let me repeat. I get sick of people very easily, not all but a few. I cannot stand those people who think that they know me, seen me through from head to toe when they know peas about me.
Tell me how to love? Everyone now is talking about, "All things you do, do it with love. Love people fervently." Freak man. Then why do I see people especially leaders in work manipulating his or her people instead of speaking the love language to them? Is that kinda example set to let people follow? Ludicrous shit.

Whatever~

I love Jesus and He loves me too.
____________________________________________

Sex is not the end.

Most people say I am a quiet person, well I only speak when I think its time for me to do so. Yet most of the time I am observing and analysing people. I am more of a listener than a talker and I do get crazy and hyped up with people that are closer to me, eg: JOALIN KUAN LI YI! [Are you honour to see your name being mentioned here? Hahaha!!]
Yea, she is one of the few that can make me laugh like an idiot and crap like a crab. I love her despite she can get on my nerves at times because I can only complain to her about everything and anything. Oh man.. This is so touching right? [This statement is for Joa.] Haha..

Good Lord, I think I have changed to be more and more "alone", you know, always standing on my own views, critical in other words. With quite a few people like that in my life, no doubt I would become like them. Thank God I am still better off lah huh.

I am growing up, slowly from a very innocent, childish and young girl to a sophisticated, still young and mature woman. **Big BIG grins* I love myself now because I can think better than last time and at least I do not cry so easily anymore. Most importantly I can control my emotions well now. Frankly, I hate being emo. I hate showing the down side of me to people, I hate messaging those emo emo kinda sms to people and I just hate crying in front of people. Don't ask why, I do not know and I do not care. HA!

I am glad that I am going camp tomorrow till Saturday. So do miss me peeps.
________________________________________

Some pics to show off. =D

We celebrated Joanna's birthday. =D

Isaac trying to act emo. Haha.. Crazy guy.

They were doing the banana dance. Haha..

Others.

Had our TRP PM on monday.

That's Kai Kai & Me. Cute huh? xD

I love this pic thou.

Random.

I'm happy that she is going mad. *Evil*

She was trying to adjust my hair.

Was cam-whoring with Joa on Sat. FUN!!!

And he bought me a shots. =D

Willi and me.. Haha..

Look at the 2 behind. See me? Ha!

And he is my 2nd korkor. BEN!! Haha.. Cute huh?
He likes to call himself Jay Chou.

Thats my beloved kor, CK!!

The group that went to drink. =)

Hennessy. =p

This is the layout, cool huh.. =D

Went Kandi Bar @ Clark Quay to drink last week.

2007-08-22T13:26:00.000+08:00

Thank you.

Oh.. I just realised people are still reading my blog when i have made it private and only 2 people knew my new blog URL. Oh well, its alright. I've decided to change it back to a public one and this is my new blog. =)
Yet same rule still applies -If you do not come here with a open heart, I would encourage you to leave this page because the contents written are not here to please you but they are based on facts and my feelings.

So, enjoy. =)
___________________________________________

My greatest honour is to serve You, my Lord and my King.

This season has been really tough for me. I have never felt so discouraged, limited and helpless in my walk with Him so far. Yet this time round, i felt so pressed in every corner that i could not moved, yet He is not "letting me go". He continued to push me even harder, bring me further until I realised, I am not that impotent after all. He gave me a chance to test myself out, whether I would persist on or quit. Yes, there were times when I cried out to Him saying, "Lord, Why? Why are You still pushing me even harder when You know I could not go on anymore?!" He simply replied, "Yes, because I know you."

I do not understand why He said that until during service when our church sang the new worship song, "Forever". The reason to why He kept on pushing me is because He knows I have not reach my limit, I have not come to a place where my heart will say, "I give up". He knows I am a strong person and all I need, is just a little push. And one thing I realised, I have always been like that since I was young.

On the same day, as the whole church were praying, He brought me back to my past. I saw visions of myself when I was only a 6 years old kid, sitting in one corner of my previous children church, tearing as I watched the movie of Jesus Christ. And without fail, every single week, I would attend my children's church service and the thing was, I always travelled to my church, alone. My mum would just dropped me at the MRT station and then I was on my own. A 6 years old kid like me, knowing nothing, just wanna follow Him.

And then I saw myself when I was 13 years old, queuing up for an adult service in Suntect, alone. Almost every services I went, I was always alone, not together with a CG or knowing anyone there. As many of you all should know, when people go for alter call in our church [CHC], usually they are accompanied by friends, relatives or one of the CG members. Yet I remember for myself, the very first time when I dedicated my life to Him, I was alone and I was only 13 years old sitting among 1000 plus of strangers. It took me a lot of courage to lift up my hands and doubled of my nerves to walk down to the stage to be prayed for.
After which, there were a lot of flashbacks of times when I fell, times when I cried out, "Where are You God, why is this happening to me?!" and times when I turned my back against Him. Yet after each time, I would only draw myself closer to Him. And then I heard Him saying, "I do not look at your outward appearance nor your actions, I only look at your heart and I see faithfulness and boldness and that is why, I chose you."

Every christians have a love story with Him, to tell. I have mine and I can assure you, my story is not a simple one but full of adventures, excitements and never forgetting the heartaches and times when we cried together.

So right now, I can see and like what my sister has told me, God is giving me opportunities to train myself to be a great leader. I am right now taking leadership position in my CG, in my church school cluster and my CCA. Yes, its tough and tiring.

But! Never give up -is my way of a warrior of God. [Same saying as Naruto. Oh I love watching Naruto Anime.] =)

Before and Now. =)

__________________________________________

Bukan Cinta Biasa.

Hardly had the time to chat with my very loved yet annoying and fat cousin for quite some time. Both of us have been very busy lately and I could only call him once a week. Anyway, I was chatting with him on the phone last night and he was so............... Irritating.
I'm not sure if this is in our bloodline or what but both of us like to boast about people who fancy us but he is worst lah yea. Haha!! So, he was telling me that he is going to marry NaNa, his currently girlfriend in 2 years time which means I will be 19.
And this thought just came into my mind -If I can bring someone along with me to Jakarta to attend his wedding, who would I want to bring or should I say, who is willing? Be it a girl or boy. Well, I would really like to bring my future boyfriend la. HAHAHA!!!
And I jokingly concluded that I will go there and find one Indo boyfriend. Surprisingly, he encouraged me to find a Singaporean boyfriend instead because they are better. Omg!! Really meh?! Alright, then I will find someone who knows how to speak Bahasa, thus he can teach me. HAHA!! I really want to leran to speak Bahasa lah.

It is good that he is getting married, I am happy for him, but yea... I will miss him. Well, another 2 years I can officially be with my boyfriend le. Haha..

Let me share with you about the the guy of my dream. =)

First impression counts a lot for me, but usually I will first take notice of these few things.

1. His hair. -His hair style has to be my liking.
2. His face. -How well is his facial care.
3. His sense of dressing. -I fancy guys who know how to dress well.
4. His teeth. -Need not to be straight but must be clean and not full of plagues.
5. His nails. -Oh, I do not like guys with long fingernails.
6. Whether He is a gentleman or not. -I dislike wimps.
7. Any piercing -I fancy guys who pierce their left ear, other than that, no where.

Well, most importantly, I cannot have a boyfriend who is more emotional than me, cannot lead me and has no purposes in his life. I am starting to fancy smart, geeky and naughty guys right now. Haha!!

Oh~~~ Lee Wan~~~ My Lee wan oppa~~~ He is my favourite korean actor now. =D
_________________________________________

[Tree of Heaven MV]
Lee Wan~~~~~~~~

If I just can have a boyfriend like Lee Wan.. Handsome, tall, strong built and oh... I love his smile.. Aw......

2007-08-16T00:22:00.000+08:00

The Five Love Languages

My primary love language is probably
Words of Affirmation
with a secondary love language being
Quality Time.

Complete set of results

Words of Affirmation:		10
Quality Time:		9
Acts of Service:		7
Physical Touch:		3
Receiving Gifts:		1

Information

Unhappiness in relationships, according to Dr. Gary Chapman, is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. Sometimes we don't understand our partner's requirements, or even our own. We all have a "love tank" that needs to be filled in order for us to express love to others, but there are different means by which our tank can be filled, and there are different ways that we can express love to others.

Take the quiz

2007-07-24T01:24:00.000+08:00

[Edited]

Will Y/you take me as i am, imperfect?

am i so difficult to understand? So impossible to love? Why do i have to get hurt by people who meant a lot to me, again and again?
i am not depending on people for just love and comfort words which will only satisfy my soul temporally. What i really yearn for is the spiritual things that can fill my spirit. i want to see and experience more of His goodness, His unconditional love and His faithfulness. Do you not understand?
why is it so difficult for them to see what is in my heart, my real intentions that i really mean well? Why do i see those who have been running this race with me all these while, now running in a different direction from me? why do i still feel lonely when i know i am not alone. How discouraged i am, who knows but only Him.

Lord,
i am not perfect and neither i am strong. My world seems to be in a mess now, Oh Lord, my Refuge, what should i do? People who You once placed in my life, are leaving. Lord, i may not understand all Your works, what You are currently doing in my life. Yet i choose to trust in Your goodness, that Your purpose is good for me. Others may not understand, may not see, but i know You do and You know my every thoughts and feelings. i will continue to praise You even it seems impossible, -i will lift my hands and praise You. Even if i fall, i know You be there to pick me up. Oh, thank You, Jesus..
__________________________________________

Will i be able to stand up strong?

I cannot recall when, but it has been a long time since i cried in a bus, -this time on the way to school. How many of you know that truth hurts? Yea, and it really has damaged my soul again, this round.

i have never doubted, never, that the love i have shown cannot be seen or felt. i thought i have done my very best to love, to care and to sacrifice, yet at the end it all claimed to be just my own illusions. And that i cannot be compared.
When the truth hit me like a thunder bolt, my heart literally stopped beating for a moment. It hurts so much that i felt i was brought back to the past, almost two years ago, on that fateful day when exactly the same thing happened. That feeling was so familiar, that feeling of not being appreciated, that feeling of being fooled, that feeling of, "it will never be the same again".

For the rest of the day before i stepped into my house in the evening, friends were around me to console me. Thank you Choon and Aaron, i will seek your advices. In their presences, i could not give myself a chance to be weak and i laughed and smiled together with them. Yet when i reached home, when i was all alone in my room, i could not take it anymore. This time truly, i haven fallen and i am all alone.
i need the right people in my life to help me. i need the strength from God. i need to be myself again.

It seems that i really am gonna go through all these alone. But one thing for sure, i will emerge stronger.

i need someone who is stronger than i am, who is more spiritual than i am, to lead me, to bring me closer to God. Are you up to it? Stop giving people the wrong impression about the both of us. It irritates me a lot and i do not want you to get hurt in the end.
_________________________________________________-

2007-07-19T19:38:00.000+08:00

Love is crazy

Ahhhh!!!! This is crazy lah can.. My gosh!! I need help!!
I do not want any confessions! I do not want to know their feelings towards me, i do not want to hear them saying, they will always be there for me!! Oh my goodness!! NOOO!!!
3 in a day confessed their love for me and 1 confessed last week. Ahhh... Like what the heck right???!!! I am not a flirt lah can.. I just get along with guys well.
But the thing is, I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW!!!!

Haiz.. Of all the guys, why him... Why?
________________________________________

Praise You in the storm.

Who am i? What have i done? Do i deserve all these? Just why?

Questions like these have been popping up in my mind lately. Questions which i have no clues about but only He has the answers. Am i doubting? Am i losing my faith? i guess not.

It is only through all these tough times when i know that He truly loves me and i need Him more than anything else. Sometimes it is just hard to believe that there is actually a Person who loves me too much till He is willing to do the will of His Father and died on the cross for me.
A Friend who will never turn His back against me even when i do and walk away from Him. A Friend who is faithful, loyal to wait for me to turn around and welcome me back to His embrace with open arms. A Father who will never say, "you've turned your back against Me and went on your way. Now that you want to come back to me, with your heart broken and a wounded body. I tell you, Leave! For I am angry and do not know you!"
Isn't it hard to believe? Yet that's the message i want to bring across to everyone and anyone who has a wounded heart or lost hopes in their lives.

Even for myself, i have to constantly remind myself that i am His beloved, His blood shed on the cross has washed me clean and i am no more in condemnation. It is easy to fall into the devil's trap when your faith in God is not strong enough and difficult to fall out of God's embrace when you are fully secured about His love.
i do not like to think that my Father is a angry God who always looks at people's flaws because i really have tasted His sweetness, gentle love. He only looks at our strong points and strengthen our weak points. "He is soft on people but hard on their problems", is what i always tell myself.

No matter what, i have to grow in my faith. Things are going well for me as the siritual warfare has raised to another level, but i will not surrender. Even if i fall during the war, i will pick myself up and continue to fight.

To people, it may seems to be a challenge, a test. Yes, indeed it is. Yet to me, it is divine chance to get love God more, to get closer to Jesus and to be more sensitive to the Holy Spirit. Always be positive, for Jesus is not negative. =)
_____________________________________

Many people said Shavonne is cute and she agrees too.

ok.. i think i need to have more sense of humor. i can easily laugh at people's jokes but it seems 65% to impossible for me to make people laugh. oh gosh, this is no good. Haha..

Ah... you know what, i am very deprived of "gal's touch". Yea, and i mean "gal's touch". Haha.. i miss all my gals lah.. i miss those those bitching and shopping sessions with them. Not boasting but i usually hang out more with guys in school and outside till when i see a group of gals chatting and laughing together, i feel like going up to them and ask, "What are you gals talking about? Can i join in too?" Haha..
i am not a les and i am straight, LAH!! i love guys who are tall and strong built. Who has a great sense of humor and very good self image. ok, and i can not stand guys who do not how to take care of their breath. omg! EAT A MENTORS PLEASE or spray some mouth freshening!! And that i need a guy who can lead me, not me leading him. Ah......... Well... Nevermind.. Hehe.. I need gals now more than guys.. HAHA!!!!

To you:
sorry. But i have to leave.
______________________________________________________

Praise You in the storm.
Casting crowns

i need You, Lord.

2007-07-15T01:09:00.000+08:00

The battle is over, the victory is ours, Father.

"If you are to call upon My name, I will be there. you will not fight this battle alone. If you just call upon My name, I will fight the devil for you. Do not be afraid because you belong to Me."

What is actually being strong in the heart? Force yourself not to cry when you are being hurt by some one's else words? Force yourself to smile when all you want is to put on a expressionless face? I believe everyone and anyone can do that.
However, who can continue to put their trust in God's goodness when all situations are against them? Who can say to the devil that he or she is never going to allow negative thoughts or even depression to set into their lives? It takes a lot of faith to do that. Are you up to it?

To be honest with everyone, i am not a perfect being. i have sinned against God and almost went into depression recently. Yet with the strength of God, i managed to stop myself in time.
What took me out from the devil's trap, is the Cross. It is His Son who died on the Cross for me and took away all my sins and shames. I do not know why, but whenever I cried out to Him, whenever i could not move on anymore, the holy spirit would always take me back to the Cross and asked me, "He has died on the Cross for you and bore all your sins, shames and pain. Will you want to let him to die in vain?" And that is what keeps me going.

i would not say that i am very strong, but i know if one day my Father is ever to leave me, Jesus and the holy spirit are ever to forsake me, i will perish. Man cannot give me the strength that i want, the love that i need. No one but only Him and Him alone. What about you?

i have felt His touch, i have tasted His goodness. I want more, I want more of Him.
My heart is now broken due to my past sins. Is it difficult for me to move on? i bet you never want to try. It is the love of Jesus, the Cross and the book of Psalm that encouraged me to persevere on, that strengthened my faith in Him.

To those who are oppressed and feeling weary in the heart, do not be discouraged. God is the strength of our heart and portion forever. Our Father is the all mighty king, if you just call upon His name, He will come and fight the battle for you.
Imagine yourself in Jesus's embrace and He is hugging you so tightly. Yet the thing is, His body is bare but full of wounds, stripes and blood stains. He is protecting you constantly from all the evil and painful works of the devil. It is the same as He died on the cross for us. Will you let Him died in vain?
_______________________________________

will you follow?

This time, i did not cry.
Went to send my cousin off yesterday afternoon. Yes, my heart was feeling a little sad because i know i will miss him very badly. And i may not get to see him for the next 3 to 6 months o r even one year. Yet somehow, i know that i have to move on.

i realised that a few important people in my life have left to lead their own life and one of them is my cousin. As many of you all know, he is very close to me. Now that he had went back to Jakarta, he cannot be always there to guide me. I have been following his footsteps for the past 7 months and right now i know, it is time to follow my leader's footstep. Not that he is not doing well but i know he has his own life to lead, his own career to take care of.
I have grown a lot for this past 7 months together with him, right now it is time for me to move on my own. Whatever i do, i want to make him proud of me.

Kor,
Dede will be strong. And dede promised you, she will do great things that make you proud and glorifed His name.
___________________________________________

[[Why]]
Nicole Nordeman.

2007-07-02T00:30:00.000+08:00

So much about love.

Many said i am a rich-in-emotions person. Well, that's partly true because i have learnt to control my emotions over the months. i am more sensitive towards mine and people's feelings and i just love to love. Yet one thing i must say, it is never easy to love people like how Jesus does -unconditional love.

Have you ever wonder what God is like? In the book of Isaiah, God is described as both sovereign Lord and a tender shepherd [Isaiah 40:10-11]. Our God does have two sides to His love: a hard side that's consistent, purposeful, protective, and mighty with judgement; and a soft side that's compassionate, tender, forgiving and merciful.
If we want to love in a Christlike way, our love must have both hard and soft sides. Specifically, we need to remember that, He was always soft with people, yet hard on their problems.

i have learnt to let go and let God of people that, well, whom get on my nerves and hurt me before. i do not want to judge anymore but to look at them with the eyes of Jesus -they are the precious of God.
Sometimes when i heard people especially Christians saying, "oh, i hate this person, i hate that person..", i would start to ponder. "Ain't we called to love God whole heartily, love people fervently? I thought you just told me you want to be more like Jesus?"
Yes, there are times when i am very tempted to place my judgements on people who have got on my way or done things which personally do not think is right. However, i always need to remind myself not to judge but let God decides how He wants to look at those people. After all, they are still God's beloved and we have no right to say anything but to love them with the love of God. Like David, he committed adultery and murdered yet he is still called the one after God's own heart, His beloved. If Jesus can loves sinners and even religious leaders like Nicodermus, who turned to Him in sincere faith, why can't we?

So why hate? Love is much easier.

Just one question. Feel free to tell me your answers on MSN or anywhere. ;)

Why do people always choose who they want to respect and who they cannot be bothered?
________________________________________

Will you give me your all or nothing at all?

Oh. I was reading my bible just now as i came across this verse, Isaiah 43:4 "........... Therefore I will give men for you." Then i just burst out laughing and i told God, "Thanks ar God, at least i do not have to worry if i would ever get married."

Yea... As many of you know, i do not really blog about my personal or daily life much. i just do not have the habit of it. Anyway, things are pretty alright for me. Church is good, CG is good, school is good and Shavonne is very good too. Haha!

Ah.. And one thing. i miss my crazy and i-can-laugh-till-i-drop self.
Man, poly has no life can. I always say Joa in JC has no life, come and think of it, Poly has also no excuse.
I miss Nat, i miss all those bitching sessions i had with her in Secondary school. I miss Bian, Clement and Bar who never fail to make me laugh. I miss Keith because he always listens to my problems in school. I miss those English lesson when i always sat with Gar and copied each other works. I miss the Jamelyn gals. I miss looking out the window for cute guys with Gemma during every lessons. oh man.. This is killing me. Now i understand why all my seniors always say, "Secondary school life is the best time of your life."

Maybe right now, i decided to stand alone rather then to lean on people too much. Not because they cannot be trusted, just that..... "Leaders are always alone." i have to get used to it.
________________________________

All for love.
Hillsongs

All for love, He came.

2007-06-29T09:33:00.000+08:00

It has to be a joy to sing.

Before i flew back to Jakarta, i made prayers to God saying that i did not want to go Jakarta to just eat and play but to have an encounter with Him. I prayed that I would be a blessing and have favour with everyone i meet over there. Moreover, i prayed that He would show spiritual things when i attend their Indonesian church. Thus, one thing i have noticed -their praise and worship session is awesome!

When you are free, tune in to songs sang by True Worshiper, a Indonesian band led by Sidney. Their praise songs are so full of the spirit that as the saints sing, you feel the spirit of joy birthing forth inside of you. Not saying that the praise songs written and sang by bands like Hillsongs, CCC or even my church is not good, praise God for their talents, praise God for KC. Yet one difference between people in Indonesian church and Singaporean from my church -you will not know if the people in my church are singing praise and worship to God or just sing for the sake of singing. No offence upon saying this or to anyone in particular. The thing is, "Do feel you the spirit of joy and peace when you sing? Do you mean every word that you sing? And when you sing, what is your mind focusing on?"

When i saw how the Indonesians sing and worship God, i am amazed and touched. You will know that they truly yearn for God and everything of Him. The smiles on their faces as they sing praises to Him can really warm your heart and you know Jesus is just right beside them. Well, i have seen many people including me during praise and worship, yes, they are singing, clapping and even jumping, but somehow their focus is not on God. And there are no smile on their faces. Come on, we are not singing to a dead God but a living God. One who is just like all of us who love to sing and dance. He is not a "D" person but a very fun God. i like to imagine myself dancing together in the spirit with Jesus when i sing praise and when i worship, i imagine myself standing on the stage alone and He is the only audience watching me. Only the two of us.

I do not want to sing for the sake of singing. I want every word that i sing, goes up to heaven and touched God.
_________________________________________

God is the strength of our heart.

Letting go of things or loved ones that you love most, care about the most can really be the toughest and throbbing thing to do. It takes a strong heart and the strength of God to let go.
There will be times when you remember about the thing or the person, your heart could not help it but feel sore and weak.
Well, i am not going through this alone but together with him. I know he misses his loved one and i... I could not forget the one i loved. Thank God for him because I know i can trust and lean on him and he could also do the same thing on me.

Letting go is not an act of weakness but it shows that your heart is very strong.
_________________________________________

[[HATIKU PERCAYA]]
True worshiper

Love it!

2007-06-25T20:49:00.000+08:00

Bearing the cross, i carry on.

"Time flies too fast, 6 months have passed", i thought to myself as i sat on the plane back from Jakarta. It has been a long, rocky and strenuous [spiritually and physically] journey for me. Yet, i am glad i have came this far.
Still remember for the first few months, how God proved Himself real before me as He assured that He will provide for me despite those difficulties to tithe and give. Well at the end of the day, i gave more than i pledged. Oh praise the Lord, Amen! Moreover, though it was a only a slight desire in heart wanting to spend my holiday in Jakarta this year, God saw and granted it. And i had the best time over there.
However, despite all these blessings, things did not go all well for me only until then I have a breakthrough.

Have you ever wonder how does it actually feels when you worship God with a heart that is free? Whenever during praise and worship, is your lips singing yet mind and heart are elsewhere or being burdened? Do you really mean every word that you sing during worship to God? For 6 months, i know my heart is burdened, trapped.

My Indra is indeed a blessing from God, someone whom i know i can lean on to. That night he was sitting beside me, we were listening to a worship song and he began to sing. As i was listening to him, my heart felt so heavy suddenly. There is freedom and love in his voice to God.
I knew my heart was not free. Indeed i love Him but i guess i focused too much on my sins and problems that i could not come to Him as a free person. Then he held on to me as i began to tremble uncontrollably. He prayed and ministered to me.
Yes, there are sins i have committed all these while that no one knows but only God. Sins which i could not forgive myself for.
At that moment, presence of God was so strong in my room and i know Indra was tearing too. I felt so weak and all i want is God. Indra began to ask me to confess my sins to him which i did not initially.

How could i? The sins i have committed are so ugly and wicked. i fear that if people come to know, they will think otherwise about me and the person who matters to me the most is him. I do not want to lose the trust he has for me. Nonetheless, he did not push me into saying and just held on to me as i cried on his shoulder. And he said this, "All He wants is your heart. Will you give Him your heart which is broken, darkened and burdened and believe He is able to cleanse and restore it?"
Finally, i confessed and he said, "God has forgiven you, i have forgiven you. Now, would you forgive yourself?" I began to tear even badly.
Sometimes, people just tend to think they are "more humble" than God when He can forgives for their sins but they themselves cannot. All these while, i admit i have not forgiven myself, i think that my sins are too sinful to be forgiven.
God is still a good God and He is the strength of my heart. I decided to set myself free by forgiving. No, it was not easy but by His strength i took that step.

Right now, i am a free person although i am still recovering. But i will not give up, I just have a breakthrough. I am still Shavonne, the strong one.
______________________________

[[Before I let you go]]
Freestyle

If she can ever do one thing, she will want to tell the whole world. She loves him.

2007-06-11T02:25:00.000+08:00

Nothing is impossible to those who pray and believe.

Ok.. Right now I am inside Changi Airport waiting for the gate to open before I board the plane. Frankly speaking, up till now I still cannot believe I am actually flying to Jakarta, alone. Imagine a 17 year old gal travelling to a far far away country all by herself. Haha... I l0ve this adventure. It has always been my desire to fly back there alone or even to travel around the world. It is really amazing how my parents finally trusted me and willing to let me travel there all by myself. And I really want to thank God for everything, especially for Drew. Please do take care of yourself.. Don't fall sick.
So yea.. I feel like as if I have grown up SO much. Haha.. Well guys, I have to get going now. Most probably I will not be blogging till I come back. Anything just email me or sms me.. Will be missed.

Remember, Shavonne is cute and she loves you. :)
_____________________________________

Is letting go, the only choice left for me?

6 months ago before I left for Jakarta, I felt this way. 6 months later before I leave for Jakarta today, I feel the same way again. Why? It is gradually killing me inside. Who will understand?

Do you have a pen pal from oversea, or a friend you make online whom you never speak to face to face before? Somehow I wish I have one, hopefully a non-christian.
It has came to my attention that the closer I get with someone -emotionally and mentally, the more difficult for me to be totally transparent towards the person, sharing the deepest secret in my heart with the person. Forget about trust, it is the side effects I am more afraid of.

There are so many things I want to say, to pour out from the bottom of my heart to just someone, but as I look around today at the people in my life, I found none. And the truth is no one.
There are indeed people who are close to me, whom I really trust a lot. Yet sharing with them the inner things in my heart, I can't do it. Man are too selfish, too judgemental, and that includes me.

As I sat on the bus back to interchange last night, I felt my heart was heavy. Tears gathered at the back of my eyes but could not seem to flow freely down my cheeks. It has been some times since I felt this way.
"Tomorrow I will be back in Jakarta and I am going to see my cousin, I should be happy." I thought to myself. But yea, so what? Seeing him does not mean the burdens in my heart will be completely taken away.
Yet one thing about him that touched me the most is his ability to speak into my heart without me taking the first step to talk to him. The moment he called me last night after I answered saying, "Hi korkor.", he replied, "Dede, are you ok? Are you sad?". I was taken back.
I mean, I had not spoken a word to him for the past two days and I told him before I would be busy, he would not know anything that happened to me. And after I heard his reply, tears just began to flow down. He really has his way to pull down my strong front.
I did not tell him anything, but his love and warmth has brought me up a lot. And I guess he is the only person that is able to make me smile, laugh and cry at the same time.

People tend to ask me why I am so close to my cousin. The main reason is, he is a gift from God, an answer to my prayer, an angel to me.

I will be leaving today, I do not know what kind of decisions I will bring back from there. But one thing for sure, I will not quit.

To you,
I am sorry for showing my attitude to you on the phone the other night. It just discouraged me a lot when you could not "be there for me". I do not know what to say to you. I am leaving today, so please do take care of yourself in Singapore. Please eat, I do not want you to have gastric like me. I will take care of myself so do not worry about me. Continue to serve, because it is a joy to serve, not a burden.
_____________________________________________

[Seperti Yang Kau Ingini]
Jeffry S. Tjandra

My favourite indo christian song. :)

2007-06-07T09:07:00.000+08:00

i choose to trust in His goodness.

"Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven." [Matt 5:16]

This emerge 2007 had been a great breakthrough and experience for me. From POS, to my ministry and my spiritual walk with God. I never know it can be so much of fun.
The thing that impacted me the most is when I saw how and what Sun has been doing for the people in China. She is so full of compassion and desire for the people. As I watched the video, I teared because I really felt the joy in those children's heart.
I asked God, "Would You use me like how You used Sun to make a difference in so many people's live?"
Sun has always been my role model, a woman who is truly after God's own heart. Yes, I do want to be someone like her -having such a good career, good family and always gaining favour from everyone. However, what matters to me most, is her heart, her love for the people out in the world.

In the past when I just started growing up in church as a young christian, the fire in me is always burning for God. I am always thinking of how I can become a more spiritual person and what I can do for the Kingdom of God. Not saying that the fire in me has stopped burning, but I realised it is burning even stronger now. For God and for people.
These past 4 months, I saw how God brought me from glory to glory, although at the same time I faced a lot of challengers.
The greatest challenge I believe God has placed in my life currently, is how to love people unconditionally. Grew up not knowing what is the real meaning of love, God asked me if I can love people like how Jesus loves the people. It is tough, no doubt, because all man are selfish. Being someone like Jesus, like Sun, having such a big heart for the people is what I always wanted. Some people may think that it is because they are famous, so well-like, thus I want to be like them. No, what for? Fame does not have a eternal value, you do not bring it to Heaven when you die. Only your character and attitude will follow you where ever you go.

The teachings of the Beatitudes by Pastor Kong have impacted me a lot and it definitely brought me closer to God. Being broken and meek towards Him is what I yearn to do. It is difficult and painful, but I will press on. I want to His name being glorified by my good works.

"What is the thing you want to change in society?"
Personally, I feel that there is a need to have more love and respect for one another in the society. Be it bosses to employees and the other way round, children to their parents and the other way round and even religious to religious. If there is love, there will be peace. And love is much less painful than hate. So why not choose to love?
____________________________________________

Beautifully Broken.

I will leaving for Jakarta in 3 days time. Oh.. Ain't you guys gonna miss me?? Haha.. I know a lot of people will.
But before I go, I just want to say a "BIG THANK YOU" to someone who is always there for me to lend a helping hand. And that person is none other than.... *Drum rolls* DREW HUANG!!!
Haha.. Cool huh?! Well, if its not for him, I will not be where I am right now. And i sincerely apologized for all the shits i threw at him when i was in my moods and all the nagging. I never know i can still be a great influence to him despite all those bad times. Haha.. Through His grace yea..
Well, but I feel that he has went through a lot with me especially when I am in my firm mode. Sometimes I feel a little guilty after correcting him and asking him to change to be a wiser man of God. Surprisingly, he listened. Haha..
Hence, I just wanna say..

"Drew, thank you for being such a good friend, brother and listener to me. I have not done much for you but you indeed have done a lot for me. I will always remember you and how our friendship is built where ever I go. Continue to grow in the Lord even when you are in NS. Just remember the song which I have dedicated to you, sang by Sun. Whenever you need me, I will be there to listen.."

Left alone, staying in a room full of memories.
Sudden loneliness, too much pushiness.
Can't hold on to the weight of the tear on the face.
There is a need for more strength.

Are you tired? Do you feel like talking to someone?
Hence, come into my embrace.

I am always by your sides,
Not allowing you to move on without me.
My gentleness, my promise, stay with you till the end.
I will not leave, each time you are sad.
My gentleness, my promise, can you hear?

Even if you do not know how to hide your pain,
Let me go through with you.
_______________________________

[Cry on my shoulder]

If I wanna cry.. Can I cry on your shoulder?

2007-05-19T00:45:00.000+08:00

A river of breakthroughs will flow.

I refuse to surrender to the circumstances of my life, I refuse to bow down to the devil and allow him to take control over my mind and emotions.

Yes, everything seems to be so unbearable for me right now. I have to be very cautious about many things especially the money in my purse and I have to say -it is very tiring. Sometimes at the thought of "what to do? I do not have much money.", my tears just start flowing. I could not do anything but to trust and obey. I have never went through this kinda difficulty before and right now, I am lost. There is nothing much I can do, but to pray and keep reminding myself, "no matter how terrible your situations may be, He never change."
He is the Jehovah Jireh, Lord my provider.

What does it takes to make a complete, God-centered Cell Group?
Nothing else but prayers, showing of love for one another and everyone truly seeking after God's own heart.
Let the prayers be for love, unity and openness in the CG. Pray for God to open the gates of Heaven upon the CG. This cannot be done with only one strength, everyone has to come together and have a conviction to pray. Trust me, prayers work wonders.

I remember once, someone came to me saying, "you know ar, that gal stop coming to church le. She told me because she wants to study. Its like very what lor. She should put God and church first before everything and she rather blah blah blah blah...." Tell me what was she actually doing? -Judging and condemning.
In the bible it says, "Judge not, or you will be judge, Let there be therefore no condemnation...." So why are we still pointing finger at one another, hurting each other's self esteem? It does not make you any holier or the sins you have committed are less immoral than their sins. All of us has committed the most brutal, horrifying and disgusting act. And that is to send Jesus to the Cross.
However, God has mercy on us, cleansed us from our sins with Jesus's blood and reconciled us back to Him again. If He can remember our sins no more, why can't we?
I always remind myself and seek for the Holy Spirit to help me when I speak to my members or anyone. And not to look at the situations from the outer shell but the yoke inside.
I do not want to use words that will not leave a impaction in their heart whereas cause them to get hurt. Speak and encourage with love, that is more of Jesus's style.
All of us are not perfect and what makes you think that you are the only precious in God's eyes? This is where compassion comes in. Look at everyone with the eyes of Jesus, understand them with the mind of Jesus and love them with the love of Jesus.
Don't throw your frustration on people for they do not understand. Be wise and know who you can turn to. They have to freedom to choose what they want for their own life. The least we can do is to encourage them, pray for them and not to condemn them. We are here to win souls not to destroy souls.

Be broken and meek unto God. For He sees.
________________________________________________

you're back, angel.

Hohoho.. My birthday is coming, EMERGE IS COMING, term test is coming, 11 JUNE IS COMING!! Seriously I cannot wait any longer.. After all the chionging and hard work, I think I do deserve a good rest. And to be able to stay by his side will be the second happiest thing in my life.

When I look at my life right now, I cannot help but to feel content about it. Although I do not have everything I want for my life, the love and concern shown by people around me is enough. Sometimes I could not help but to feel like a little princess in their eyes, being pampered and loved. Never take advantage of that, because you may lose it anytime.

So yea... Shavonne is a grown up gal, smart, sharp looking, patient, compassionate, jaunty, crazy and not forgetting, CUTE!!!
_________________________________

[[Move On]]
Rain

If there is a guy who can sing this to me. =D

When are you going to stop crying
As you wait for someone who isn’t going to come, closing your heart firmly
Why won’t you see me
I’m waiting for you, who is waiting for him

Move on move on
You should just stop, that person isn’t coming
Open up my heart now

Let me be the one to hold you tight
Be the one you wait for every night
I’ll take that person’s seat now, I’ll do it
I will always be right by your side
I won’t leave you like that person did

My heart that’s seeing you like this
Is hurting the same way yours is because of that person
My gaze that is watching you
Is the same as your gaze that looks at the seat that person left

Move on move on
You should just stop, that person isn’t coming
Open up my heart now

Let me be the one to hold you tight
Be the one you wait for every night
I’ll take that person’s seat now, I’ll do it
I will always be right by your side
I won’t leave you like that person did

Turn around and look at me now, give me a chance too
The scar that person left
I’ll take it upon myself, making up for it forever by your side
So give me a chance

Move on move on
You should just stop, that person isn’t coming
Open up my heart now

Let me be the one to hold you tight
Be the one you wait for every night
I’ll take that person’s seat now, I’ll do it
I will always be right by your side
I won’t leave you like that person did

2007-05-12T00:52:00.001+08:00

I crucified my flesh and emotions.

Finally, I took the first step of faith. Yes, it almost killed me when I went against my flesh and trust in the Lord that He would deliver me. It is not that I never experience this before; I just hate this feeling big time.
I am tired of all these disillusions and limitations. I want to break free; I want to do what I always desire in the spirit. All these while, I felt so limited and my conscience kept testing me. I could not keep up on His pace and lagged so behind. It is time to speed up.

I have a dream, a big one that seems absolutely impossible to many people and sometimes, to me. Whenever I look at what I have in my hand and then at the dream, yes I would doubt and question Him. However, I know it is His visions for me.
In the past, I only wanted to be a worship leader in my church who serves and lead the choir every week. Right now, I want something more, more than just being a worship leader, more than just serving in church every week.
I do not want to lead a “routine” kind of life. After poly or getting a degree, serve in church every week, get myself a soul mate, work then have babies and wait for Jesus to come back. No, I cannot see myself leading this kinda “boring Christian” life. I want something much more extraordinary, much more desirable than becoming wealthy, much more satisfaction than only getting what I want.

I want to be a worship leader cum a missionary. I want to touch lives with the love of Jesus, to share and equip people with my life experiences and to comfort those broken hearted. I really want to go into Indonesia and bring a revival in that country. I do not know why, I have a greater passion for that country.

To fulfill this dream, I have to lay down my life, to place all my desires unto alter and to only seek Him first. It is definitely not going to be easy, but for love, I will do it. I have already taken the first step; I will continue and fight on. I am much stronger on the inside than you think I am on the outside. I am someone who never gives up. Even if I fall, I stand up fast.

“I want to share an intimate relationship with you more than anyone else in this world.” said the Lord to Shavonne.
_____________________________________________

I will miss you.

Hey baby,
Is she everything you wanted in a woman?
You know I gave you the world
You had me in the palm of your hand
So why your love went away
I just can't seem to understand
Thought it was me and you, baby
Me and you until the end
But I guess I was wrong

Don't wanna think about it
Don't wanna talk about it
I'm just so sick about it
I can't believe it's ending this way
Just so confused about it
Feeling the blues about it
I just can't do without you
Tell me is this fair

Is the way it's really going down?
Is this how we say goodbye?
Should’ve known better when you came around
That you were gonna make me cry
It's breaking my heart to watch you run around
Because I know that you're living a lie
But that's ok baby, cause in time you will find

What goes around, goes around, goes around, comes all the way, back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around, comes all the way, back around

Oh one thing. Shavonne can't wait till she turns 21. Haha..
________________________________________________

[[Letting go]]
Brooke Hogan

Look at what you put me through
Anything I would have done for you
But it's not how it used to be
When you and I were hooked on each others dreams
Got stuck in reality and
You couldn't make everything feel alright
When I gave you the best of me
I never thought you'd give me a reason
To tell you I'm leaving
I ran out of patience when you started changing
And there's no tears left to cry
Kept on hoping we could find a way to make it real
And tell myself that it's getting better when it never will
And I would never want for you to be alone
Its so hard to tell you so
But I'm letting go.

2007-05-08T09:41:00.000+08:00

Numbness.

Lord, I never expect all these things to happen in one short time. How am I going to handle them? Am I bearing all these alone, Lord?
I am confused and lost. The anguish I am suffering from, is not ceasing yet increasing. When will it come to an end?
Lord, I can't take it anymore. It is like I am standing right next to the word "fall", any moment I may just break down.

Seriously, I am not at all prepared. I do not want to face what is coming -the pain of letting go. I just got myself out of that pit once and now, I am walking straight right into the next one, a deeper one.
I do not want to see myself crying every single day, waking up every morning thinking "why the hell am I in this state?" and missing anybody till I can go insane. I hate it, Lord. I freaking hate it.

Will You once again, calm the raging seas that are crushing over me?
_________________________________

I want to stay by your side. Forever if I may.

The thought of him, just breaks me. I wish I can remove all his agony and anger and place it upon myself. At least, I am able to see him smiling at me.
What am I suppose to do now? I really want o fly back to Jakarta right now and be by his side.

I am not ashamed to say.
All I want for my birthday this year is nothing but just a air ticket that can take me back to Jakarta. If you may, just give me cash. I need it more than anything else. I am sorry, but it seems I am really desperate to fly back to stay by his side.

I love you, my broken angel.
___________________________________

[[My Heart]]
Irwansyah Acha Septriasa

Aku merindukan saya, sayang korkor.

2007-05-04T10:47:00.000+08:00

Updated.
________

Shattered.

I really don't know what to do. Yes, I was a little insane just now, all I want to do is to hide all my emotions, my tears and stop thinking about anything that would break my heart. Yet after I settled down, my mind was just directed back to Indra. The thought of him is enough for me to break down and cry, whats more if I gather all my other problems and burdens together? Its so poignant and I could not do anything but pray and believe. Yet when will my prayers be answered?
I miss him, I miss him very badly. He is supposed to come before my birthday and right now, he will not be coming back. Yea, I am disappointed and more thwarted because he may not come to Singapore this year. Why? Why like that? He promised.

I'm not doing alright now, my soul is broken. I know it would affect me spiritually if I do not do anything, but what can I do? Everyone is advicing me to do this and that, yes, thank you very much for your concern, however thats not what I need. All I want is merely a pair of listening ear, a open and compassionate heart, a mouth that will not judge, a mind that is indulgent, a pair of eyes that see with love and a hand that will hold on to me if I really fall. Is there really no one else beside Jesus? Can this world be so cruel and selfish?

Lord, how strong do you wanna make me? I know you're answering my prayer but could You guide me? I can't do all this alone. At this moment, I can't depend on anyone for strength that would carry me through. I need You, oh Lord. I need you.

Why am I so callous to so many people now?
_____________________________________________

Very soon, I'll tell you how I feel.

It has been more than 5 months, I wonder how much that person know me. From my temper all the way to my favourite food, it seems that that person knows nothing.
I hate it when I smile or even laugh at the little things that that person say or do when I actually am very moody. I feel like a retard, seriously.

Anyway, I have enough. I can't go on and pretend that my heart is not hurt by that person. I know how much I mean to that person, how much I am needed in that person's life.

Do I deserve someone else? I believe everyone deserves someone special. But who?
_____________________________________________

[[Just go]]
Jesse Mccartney

Wouldn't you tell me so.

2007-05-02T16:57:00.000+08:00

Find my way back home.

I don't know how I am feeling right now. Emotionless, I guess.
Well, tell you something special about me.

When I get emotionally bruised very badly, after a while I will tend to shut down my feelings and I will be on my moods. You may say that I am putting up a strong front or being "diao", I just can't seem to feel a thing.
Don't bother to ask me whats wrong, I would like to know too.

As many of you should know, I never really like to write about my daily life in my blog. Usually I share about my feelings and thoughts, thus everything that I write and post in my daily entry contains solid meanings. That's me.
_____________________________________________________

I try to fly away but it's impossible
And every breath I take gives birth to deeper sighs
And for a moment I am weak
So it's hard for me to speak
Even though we're underneath the same blue sky

If I could paint a picture of this melody
It would be a violin without its strings
And the canvas in my mind
Sings the songs I left behind
Like pretty flowers and a sunset

It's heavy on my heart
I can't make it alone
Heavy on my heart
I can't find my way home
Heavy on my heart
So come and free me
It's so heavy on my heart

I've had my share of pleasure
And I've tasted pain
I never thought that I would touch an angel's wings
There's a journey in my eyes
It's getting hard for me to hide
Like the ocean at the sunrise

Love, can you find me in the darkness, and love,
Don't let me down
There's a journey in my eyes
It's getting hard for my to hide
And I never thought I'd touch an angel's wings
_____________________________________________

[[If]]
Beyoncé

Why? Do you really want him to take me from you?
Do you even care?
If that's so, let me know and let me go.

2007-04-30T02:16:00.000+08:00

Draw strength from Me, alone.

It's You who make me stronger
I need You more than ever
You're the reason why I'm singing for You
It's You who create the wonders
In all my days of struggles
It's Your love that surrounds my whole world

I could not take it any longer, my heart cried out to Him once more. This time He rebuked me by saying, "Why are you drawing strength from man? Draw strength from Me, alone."
Then the Holy Spirit gave a vision of me being a light bulb, man being the generators and God as the power supply, main source. There will times when the generators will break down and fail to produce energy, yet the main power supply never fails. He made me realised that I have depended on man too much that when they failed me, I would be affected.
It is not wrong to receive support and strength from people around you, from the people of God. However, I went overboard that when I do not get what I want, my emotions would then take control of me. And it was this time that I finally understand how weak we humans are and how awesome He is.

Have you ever heard people saying, "I'm sick of you, I'm sick of your attitude, I'm sick of you repeating the same mistake. I give up on you."? It is quite depressing if someone close to you, say those words to you. Well, now I know how strong He is. Remember what I wrote in my previous entry about Him saying that He would never give up on me. At that moment after He spoke to me, my eyes just opened and saw a wonderful truth.
Man can never be strong as Him, man can never be as patience, compassionate and forgiving compared to Him. Thus, I made a conviction that when man fails me, I should not be upset but turn to Him, cast all my emotions on Him because He never fails me.

My greatest desire is to really love people with a heart exactly like Jesus. So pure, so simple.
____________________________________

What would you say to me, if we have never met before.

Personally, I know that I am a emotional person and I enjoy talking about love, watching about love and listening about love.
So do not bother to tell me not to watch love stories, listening to love songs or even think about love. Everyone is different and we do have our own likings, attitudes and beliefs.
I really do want to go through a romantic courtship like one of those Korean dramas. It may sound very "drama", naive to you people. Yet to me, it takes two really strong hearts and love for each other to go all the painful obstacles. And through them, both hearts will grow closer and know they really need eah other.
I do not just want to get into a relationship so simply by having interest in each other, then get closer and maybe marrying in the end. Everything seems so smooth sailing.
No, thats just not me. Sorry. I want something more.
And I told a lot of people before, I need someone who can love me and also my imperfections.
_____________________________________________________

[[I'll take the tears]]
A1

How is it now that I can tell you I love you?
How is it only now that it's too late?
What can I do, the love that we had is torn in two?
so you'll take the .smiles from all of our years,
I'll take the tears

When I can I tell you tha, I love you?

2007-04-27T00:14:00.000+08:00

Will you tell me, I'm beautiful?

Today post will be a little different. I will touch more on the emotions that are running through me these few days and my thoughts. Quite random.

Although I am only 17 this years, I believe that I think and feel like an adult. I am not trying to convince anyone or even myself here that I am very mature already but I am on my way to it. Thus I hate it when people treat me like a 13 year old gal who is still lost in her own world. Well, the truth is, I have seen the world -the beautiful and disgusting side of it.

I do not know why, people only tend to see the surface of me. They have not yet seen the inner me or they just do not want to. The reason is, they may not want to accept the real me. Yet, I thank God for others who are much closer to me, they chose to love me for me. And I know He loves me the most despite all the ugliness in me.

I am imperfect, and so is everyone. We have to learn to accept each other's flaws and forgive all the wrongdoings. To me, the greatest love anyone could show or give is to love another's imperfections. Thus, I am praying for someone who can love me for me.

I miss that feeling.
I miss that feeling of, "You smiled at me."
I miss that feeling of, "I can't take my eyes off you."
I miss that feeling of, "My hearts skips a bit when I see you."
I miss that feeling of, "Security you gave when you encouraged me."
I miss that feeling of, "Whenever you stand next to me, I wish you'll never leave."
I miss that feeling of, "You are all that I need."
I miss that feeling of, "I can't deny. I know I have fallen for you for the first time."

Why do I miss those feelings so much?

Personally I believe, the most romantic thing a guy can do for me is to show or tell me that he really appreciates me for everything I have done. I would really love if a guy can ever sing a love song to me or play some music to show how much he appreciates and loves me. I do not need a bouquet of 999 roses or any material stuffs. All I want is a balance of words of affirmation and actions. I am a easily-satisfied person, although sometimes I do ask for more. I do not need a lot of physical touch, all I want is that he is able to touch my heart.
One thing that I believe, when a guy tells a gal that she is beautiful, she really is beautiful to him.

I miss that last feeling of, "I am all that you want."
__________________________________________

[[What goes around. Comes around.]]
Justin Timberlake

Is this how you're gonna hurt me?

2007-04-22T10:51:00.000+08:00

why am i the reason? why?

Till now, my past still haunts me like a shadow that never leave my side. Each time as I am reminded by my past, my emotions would tend to set in and I would feel so unworthy of Him again.
Yet through His mercy and grace, He never fails to take me back to the cross and shows me His compassion. He has paid the price through death and taken away all my sins and shames.
There and then, my heart would break and I would cry out, "Why? Why do You have to do this for me?" It is not that I do not want Him to die on my behalf, the reason is I know He loves me too much till I am afraid, afraid I would sin because of my weaknesses and break His heart.

Have you ever felt that you love someone so much that you become so fearful of losing him/her? That's how I feel towards Him at times. It is not that I am insecure in His love, its because I love Him too much that I cannot bear to lose Him. I do not know what my life would be without Him. Thus I always want to do my best, be the best in front of Him. However, due to my weaknesses, I failed again and again. Sometimes I fell so hard till I did not want to stand up and just wanted to remind there.
And then, He would come. Pick me up and restore my heart with love once more. I would then ask, "Are You not tired of doing the same thing over and over again?" Once, He replied me this, "If I have to do it a infinity times to let you know that I will never give up on you, I will."

How great is His compassion? No words can ever describe. Just go to Him with a pure and simple heart and He will show you how great great is His compassion.

[[Why?]]
Nichole Nordeman

__________________________________________

I could only look at your back and watch you walk away.

From sister and brother, we became lovers. From lovers, we became friends. And from friends, we became strangers. My An Li.

Do I miss him? Yes I do, a lot. Each time when I look at how loving they are, I would question myself, "Were we as loving in the past?"
I have let go of him, my heart no longer cries out for him but the memories still remain. There is still a pinch of sadness in me whenever I see him. I wanted so much to tell him, I miss him. Yet each time I would stop my pace, look at his back and just wish he would turn around and take a look at me.
Right now it seems that I have lost this friendship. Someone who once was my greatest cheerleader, bestest friend, pillar of strength, most understanding person and my teddy bear, is gone now.

When will we talk again? Just when?

Well, people. Even if you know who the guy is, please do not be mistaken. I have already someone else in mind. =)
__________________________________________

[[Crush]]
Mandy Moore

When will you be mine?

2007-04-14T02:35:00.000+08:00

All for love, i crucify.

Like what Drew has always been reminding me, these are all testes and trials that I have to go through to grow up, learn and experience. The going is tough and agonizing but I know the ultimate result will be a splendid one.

Who say becoming more and more like Jesus is a easy thing? I beg to differ.
Seeing how compassionate Jesus is to all the people and being compassionate yourself to people is a totally two different thing. And that is the reason why I have been praying a lot for this area. It is not effortless for me to love people without being tempted for wanting them to love me back.
Look at how Jesus shows His unconditional love to the people, has He ever demand something in return? No. Is He always complaining when people do not appreciate His good deeds? No. Does He still continue to care and show His love? Yes. And that is my amazing Friend.
To really love someone, most of the times you have to crucify your flesh -emotions.

For instance, take my friend and me. She is more of the egoistic kind and she can really get on my nerves very, super easily. Well, before I am writing this post, I was actually very angry her. Yes, I was so keen to throw my tantrum at her, show my attitude and just make her know that I was mad with her. Yet, because she was having PMS herself too and I did not want anything to affect our friendship, I chose to crucify my emotions, let it go. It was tough.
Well, thank God I do have very supportive friends and I truly care for her a lot, I did it. I prayed for Jesus to let me look and understand her with the love of God, and help me to be more compassionate than to hold grudges. It is so easy to get angry but when I want to get happy again, it takes a triple effort.

I am someone who wants to be appreciated and need a balance in words of affirmation and serving from people. Well, I guess I have to change the "wants to be appreciated" part but it will not kill just to tell me you appreciate me right?
So yea.. Jesus is slowly showing the keys to all my answers for my prayers. I just have to keep on searching and trusting Him. I know in the coming future, I will grow to become a more patience, compassionately, understanding and beautiful woman of God. A woman of character.

I may fall but I get up fast.
______________________________________

Is this what I am suppose to do because I am a gal?

I wonder how long I can go on. Not being able to see the future has robbed away half of my optimism to continue what I am doing right now. Everytime after I message, I would sigh. "Why?", I ask myself. How come I do not feel the joy of doing what I am doing right now?

How to get sense of security from people? Good question. I am seeking for an answer too.
Nothing except love is my greatest motivation to keep myself going. I just pray that if one day things do not turn out right, I will have enough strength to get up again. I know I will. At least I have great sisters and brothers who will not give up on me.

I am starting to spout profanity again which is a bad sign. I do not know, but lately I have been in my moods and mixing around with people who speak profanity like farting. I need to guard myself, I know. Well, it is quite funny when you listen to their "pronfanity conversation". I would always laugh. They are all my good guy friends thou. ____________________________________

[[爱我还是他]]
David Tao

Do you love her or me?
I rather you tell me the truth, than to cheat on me.

2007-04-10T12:28:00.000+08:00

Father God, give me strength to carry on.

Easter 07 was a spectacular one. I love everything from the Praise & Worship to the Easter drama, sermon and even the alter call. Although I prefer last year Easter's drama production, this year's never fail to make me tear.

Last year was more about how we human sinned and betrayed Jesus, yet He was willing to die on the cross on our behalf. He had died and risen so that our sins could be cleansed away by His blood and we could be reconciled back to our Heavenly Father. On the other hand, this year's drama made me understand one thing -that Jesus indeed, came down to earth as flesh and blood.
During the part when the drama showed how devastated Jesus was after John's death, I heard the Holy Spirit telling me this, "you see Li Fang, Jesus is rich in emotions. He has suffered all kinds of emotions as you have. Thus He knows how you feel especially when you are heartbroken." I teared immediately after that.
I recalled how last time I used to question Jesus if He ever know how I feel when I was upset. Could He not see the tears that I was sheding and how broken I was? Now I know. He sees.

[[Easter o6]]

The funny parts. Haha.. I love my church drama productions.

[[Easter 07]]

Haha.. I just love my church.. Lucas is so cute!! ~

Father, I need Your Strength.
Holy Spirit, I need Your wisdom.
Jesus, I need Your compassion.
_________________________________________________

If this is how my life will be.

Things do not stop here now that it is after Easter. Benny Hinn service is coming right up and my school starts on 18 April. If I say I am not worried, trust me, I am lying.
I am not excited for Poly, I seriously am not. It is not the studies I am worried about, it is the people I will be meeting, how my life will be like when I am in Poly. Oh Father, help me...

However, I am very appreciative for the people who are always there to make my day. I realised that actually I do have a lot of friends, brothers and sisters who care and love me. Not forgetting my parents too. Oh yea, they went for Easter service. Am I ecstatic? Oh you bet I am. It has always been my desire to see my parents coming to church together with me.
I rememeber last year at Jakarta, I was at my relatives' church with my parents. I started to tear when I saw both my parents lifted up their hands to worhsip. God is indeed faithful.

Tell you guys a honest truth -I am actually very pampered especially in my family. Thank God I am not that spoiled but yea, my dad dotes me the most. Then comes my mum and Indra. Next will be all the people I know. Well, I am a gal after all.

I believe that I am very different from a lot of gals. What they have, I might not have. What I have, they might not have. I love the way I am and I need people to love me for me. I can change for the better, but I am still me. My nature never change.

I am not naive, but I do want a romantic and thrilling courtship before getting married. =D
___________________________________________________

[[Unlove you]]
Ashley Tisdale

Its so peculiar how the way I fell for you.
I can't unlove you now. I just can't.

2007-04-04T23:46:00.000+08:00

Let me hear Your voice.

"Don't draw away from me. Li Fang, don't draw away from me."

"I am not here to condemn you."

"You are my chosen child. I chose you to be born in this world."

"I know your biggest weaknesses, fears and shames. All the sins you have in the past, present and future."

"Yet, I still chose you to be my child."

"I know you've sinned against me. But don't draw away from me."

"Come and let me cleanse you."

"I love you, Li Fang. I love you."

"I've proven Myself real and faithful to you. Shown you my unconditional love so many times. Have you forgotten them all?"

"Why are you doubting me?"

"Every time when you fall, I am always there to pick you up. Do you think this time I will leave you there fallen? Do you think I do not have the power to lift you up?"

"Don't draw away from me."

"Look at the cross. All your sins are paid on the cross. I've died on your behalf."

"No matter how big is your sin, your shame, how deep is your pain. I bore them all on your behalf."

"you have no reason not to be accepted."

"I love you, Li Fang. I chose you."

As He whispered into my ear, I started to tear.
It was yet the best prayer meeting I have attended for this year. Pastor really helped to pull down the presence of God and this time he taught us a way we could actually hear His voice. And I heard, ever so clearly.

I love Easter. It is the season when broken hearts, broken lives are brought back to Jesus and let His love restore them all. For that one Man act, we are all able to be reconciled back to our Heavenly Father, to loved by Him. And all our sins are forgiven.

If Jesus never die on the cross on my behalf, I would never call Him, My Daddy.
_____________________________________

Friends like you, will never be forgotten.

[[Mitchell]]
Mitchell † Give me Strength, Oh wonderful Lord Almight:
did something hapen?

Mitchell † Give me Strength, Oh wonderful Lord Almight:
u seem so down

Mitchell † Give me Strength, Oh wonderful Lord Almight:
got problem muz tell me leh

Mitchell † Give me Strength, Oh wonderful Lord Almight:
will surely be there for u wan

Mitchell † Give me Strength, Oh wonderful Lord Almight:
just to listen to u lah

[[Drew]]
SoT in 2010-2012? God sometimes do answer your prayers selectively:
sorry if I don't chat much today. my brain's not working.. tired.

SoT in 2010-2012? God sometimes do answer your prayers selectively:
but i think I wanna tell you something. whenever you're troubled, always make a point to find answers by reading the bible. even if you don't get answers, most probably you'll get excited cause there are so many promises in it.

SoT in 2010-2012? God sometimes do answer your prayers selectively:
hope I made sense to you.

It is great that during your tough times, there are actually friends that are concern about you and is willing to be there for you. Not forgotten Tian En, Casper, Ck and Jean. Thanks guys. (:

From this week onwards till end of emerge, my schedule are totally packed. After Benny Hinn, there will be POS traing plus school almost every single day. Am I tired? Yes, very.
When I see other people complaining about how tired they are and then look at what they are doing and how they plan their daily life, I feel weird. No sufficient sleep will sure lead to fatigue.
Joalin taught me not to focus on my tiredness whereas look at Pastor Kong, all the pastors and even Sun. They are more tired than all of us, they need more rest than most of us. And even if they complain, they only do it to God. Thus for us, lets not complain but rejoice.
_____________________________________

[[好眼淚壞眼淚]]
徐若瑄

For you:
I need a balance in your words & actions.

2007-03-30T11:39:00.000+08:00

For God is so faithful, He is so faithful to me.

I remembered I prayed my first prayer for my parents salvation at the age of 6. Well, finally after 11 years of waiting upon God, trusting Him and His word. Finally, my prayers are answered.

Share with you guys a little about my personal life.
I do not come from a very well off family. What's more? The relationships in my family were built on unbelief, resentment and wounded souls. For 9 years of my life since I was 6, I never trusted my parents in everything they did for me. The reason is, I always feel that they were not doing enough for me. They were not showering enough love on me. As a result, I became a very rebellious, pessimistic and doleful person. I learnt not to appreciate people.
As the years went by, people who I know, who I actually loved a lot, were hurt by me. That includes my parents. Hence, for that 9 whole years, I lived my life every single day, telling myself "My parents do not love me enough, people are not showing concern to me enough, they are always not there when I need them."Nevertheless, I did continue to pray for their salvation.
To me, my childhood seemed to be a broken one, no much laughter but filled with disappointments and pains. However, while all these were happening, Jesus was always in the mist of my darkness. He slowly opened Himself to me through the years, through the different events. And finally, God said "Enough is enough, I am stepping into her life." My greatest breakthrough, memorial stone was how Jesus stepped into my dark life as the light, brought me hopes and filled the emptiness in my heart.
I'm telling you, starting was not easy as I was constantly being attacked spiritually and at my self-esteem. I was continuously reminded of my past that up till now still haunts me, but I am still praying and trusting Him that everything will turn out to be good.
There was no change or should I say, became worst in the relationships with my parents initially. God is good and He remembers His promises. Through this one whole year, millions of things have changed. From a introvert, I became a extrovert. From someone who hated to speak up, I became valiant. And I am a much more frivolous woman now. Beside all these, my parents have finally opened their hearts to God and also to me.
One thing that I am very proud of myself is that, I never give up. Be it my spiritual life, my worldly life, my relationships with people or with my parents. Although there were tough times, I chose to stand still and not waver. Why? Because I know my Daddy is bigger than everything in this world.

So once again, He proved Himself real to me. That as long as I have faith and I speak of what I want, He will give. God loves me? No. He not only loves me, He loves you too. (:

I am not yet perfect, but through His grace, I'm working to perfection.
_________________________________________

you my solely angel

My Daddy loves me a lot. He loves me so much so that He is willing to give me everything that I desire. And there is one thing that He gave me, no one can take away from my life. And he is my angel...

Have you heard the song, "My solely angel" by Tank? That song fits perfectly for my sincere love for angel. Beside being my angel, he is my lover, my brother and my best friend. I thank God for creating him as my blood cousin, if not I may never meet someone like him.
Both of us have been busy with our lives lately that we hardly contact each other. Everyday, we could only talk on the phone for less than 3 minutes and that, is enough to make my day.
I miss him, I miss his stupidity which can always make me laugh like crazy. I miss him saying the powerful phrase that never fail to melt my heart, "Kor kor sayan Dede!"

He is my ideal boyfriend if you guys do not know. He fits all the categories for my "perfect" boyfriend. Too bad, he is my cousin so we can't be together. Nevertheless, I told him he would be my "boyfriend" till I find my God-given one. =D

I miss Indrawan.
__________________________________________

[[Way Back Into Love]]

All I want to do is find a way back into love.

2007-03-29T00:49:00.000+08:00

Faith is simply trusting God's character when the world has given you a reason, not to.

Never have I encoutered this kind of spiritual warfare before when it was so intense till I nearly broke down. Yes, I nearly did.
Everything in my life, seemed to happen in such a fast pace that I almost lost control of it. Well, it was not like something bad happened in my family, but the consequences were the same. You know something is lost, gone forever.
Right now, although I am still running on the right track, I have to gurad my heart. Beside what has happened recently, I believe there are more to come. Heartbreaks, disappointments and rejections.

When will this end? A question I would ask when my life seem to become what I called, draggy.
________________________________________

How much do I value to you?

Tell me, someone. What is wrong with me?
Is it me or the people around me have moved on? I hate it so much when the past keeps coming back to huant me. It hurts, thats the thing.

I have always been the one giving and giving. Sometimes, I want to take too.
How can I prove it when there are so many limitations, moreover, the receiver does not seem to care.
//
Something that makes me happy and smile -MY BOYFRIEND IS COMING IN 2 MONTHS TIME!! Hopefully before my birthday.
I know that after he is here, I will be a much happier person but with less freedom. ;(
The sad thing is, he will not be staying in my house, instead, my aunt's. And that means, I have to travel all the way to RedHill on alternate days to see him. How great?! Well, seeing his smile is enough to drain away all my phyiscal tiredness. =D
__________________________________________

[[Who do you love]]
The Moffats

So who is gonna be? Is it her or me?
Who do you love? Who do you need?
You're messing up my mind, wasting all my time.
Stop playing with my heart.
Its tearing me apart.

I hate it when you call her, "My girlfriend."

2007-03-21T20:27:00.000+08:00

Where is God in the mist of darkness?

I do know how long she has been like that.
I just miss her so much. The gal who never says die, the gal who will always smile even when heartaches and disappointments drive her up the wall. The gal who always says, "Even if everyone turns against me, God will never." And the gal, who loves to remind herself that she is strong.
I miss Shavonne Tan Li Fang. I miss her smile.
_______________________________________________

Will you still love someone like me?

There is just something about Sun, her voice, her music that caused me to ponder if God can ever be so real. God is real, He is a alive -no doubt.
God is so good to her, as we all know she is someone after God's own heart.

After Pastor played her new song during last week's prayer meeting, I'm hooked to that song.
Somehow, it just touched me. It also helped me to stay on track and continue to run the race.
Yes, my spirit is running dry, my flesh is getting weaker and my heart is suffering from more bruises.
Yet Sun's new song encouraged me to keep on running and not give up.
All I wonder now is, how long can I run, how high can I soar in this race.

Will you come and love someone like me?
Someone who is imperfect.
For love, I pressed on.
In my journey to pursue my dreams,
Misery filled me.
I am not willing to give up.

Take a look at me.
I do not let go.
When I was blinded,
I used my voice to sing my beautiful sorrows.
Take a look at me.
My heart screams for justice.
I will smile as I continue my life

There were times when I was trapped and lost,
Because of my dreams.
There were also times I experienced heartaches.
Till now, I am still who I am.
For me,
I would like to have a simple life at the end.
________________________________________________

[[Love me for me]]
Ashley Tisdale

I do not need help, solutions or jugdements.
All I need is a friend, a pair of listening ear.
I know what I am doing and what I should do.

2007-03-09T01:31:00.000+08:00

All for love, He came...

How do you continue to love people when you are tired of loving? That's when I always turn to Jesus.

Peculiarly, I came to realise that I could feel tired of loving people. Well, not exactly everyone but a handful of them. People who I actually love and care so much so that I am willing to sacrifice whatever I have to, for them. Yet at the end, I do not want to do anything for them at all.

"Why? What is wrong?" I asked myself.

I was in this dilemma until God presented Jesus to me recently.. He showed me how Jesus continued to love the people of Israel even when they mocked and refused to recognise Him. I am convinced that Jesus was disappointed and discouraged because He lived as a human after all. He experienced the same emotions as us. However, the greatest thing is that Jesus still loves the people, up till now and forever.

Sometimes when I look at Jesus, I really admire Him so much. Not that I do not want to be like Him, I am afraid to be like Him. I am afraid of people, taking advantage of me. And I will start thinking of myself, again.

Loving people is not easy, seriously.. It takes a lot of courage and determination because it involves forgiveness. Forgiveness for people who have scolded you, let you down, mocked at you, rejected you and even pushed you. And that is one thing I always have to remind myself, forgiveness is not a feeling, it is a decision.

Beside that, God spoke to me about my selfishness. When people do not appreciate me for whatever good things I have done for them, I tend to draw back and feel bitter. I will start to imagine things like, "Oh, I don't think he/she cares about me. I've done and sacrificed so much for him/er, yet he/she has done nothing for me." And that really almost destroy my relationships with people.

One thing that I have learn is that, even if people do not see the good intentions I have, God sees and He recognises. And I believe, you sow what you reap.

____________________________________________

NO MORE PEACE!

Oh, guess what.. MY NEPHEWS ARE B.A.C.K!!!

Yes, they are back.. After about 8 months of not seeing them, I thought I would be so excited to welcome them yet I was wrong.. Well, of course I am happy to see them, but they have became SO mischievous especially the elder one.. Till now, he still could not pronounce "Gugu" correctly and goes, "Krukru".. Oh gosh, my Joshua... Haha.. And he actually kicked me in my ass when I carried Javier [his younger brother] up from the bed.. Then he gave me a big smile with his three front teeth missing [he looks so cute! >.<].. Haha..

I remember when he was much younger [he is three year-old now], we used to fight.. Yes, I mean literally fight.. When he hits me, I would hit him back [softly of course], when he takes my pen, I would snatch his toy soldier and both of us would go screaming till my father comes in and scold, me.. Yea, you can never escape that if you have a nephew like mine.. Everyone loves him, including me [BIG GRINS]..

So anyway, Joshua has grown more handsome like his father and Javier has grown so much cuter like his Gugu.. Ahhhh.. I love Javier, he is so cute, like me!

The two sweety pies in my life. (:

______________________________________________

出口
[[飛輪海]]

I heard you saying, "I love you." Yet there is still a sense of lonliness in me.

谁能告诉我哪里有出口
能让我逃出这个　
我快沉没的漩涡

2007-02-26T14:44:00.000+08:00

Before I proceed on with my post, I would like the readers to familiarize with the kinda style to how I write my post. Usually, I would start with sharing about spiritual things; what God has recently done in my life and my thoughts. Next, I would share a little of my private life , my feelings and thoughts. Lastly, it would be some random stuffs like the songs I have been hooked on to lately. So that's about all. Enjoy and pray before you continue to read from here. God bless... =D
_____________________________________________________________________

Forgiveness is s promise, not a feeling..

In the book "When God Weeps", Steven Estes and Joni Eareckson Tacla give the following account of Christ's death. As you read, refuse to let the scene be familiar. Let its really shock you and break your heart.

The face that Moses had begged to see -was forbidden to see -was slapped bloody [Exodus 33:19-20]. The thorns that God had sent to curse the earth's rebellion now twisted around his own brow...
"On your back with you!" One rises a mallet to sink in the spike. But the soldier's heart must continue pumping as he readies the prisoner's wrist. Someone must sustain the soldier's life minute by minute, for no man has this power on his own. Who supplies breath to his lungs? Who gives energy to his cell? Who holds his molecules together? Only by the Son do "all things hold together" [Colossians 1:17]. The victim wills that the soldier live on -he grants the warriors continued existence. The man swings.
As the man swings, the Son recalls how he and the Father first designed the medial nerve of the human forearm -the sensations it would be capable of. The design proves flawless -the nerves perform exquisitely. "Up you go!" They lift the cross. God is on display in his underwear and can scarcely breathe.
But these pains are a mere warm-up to his other and growing dread. He begins to feel a foreign sensation. Somewhere during this day an unearthly foul odor began to waft, not around his nose, but his heart. He feels dirty. Human wickedness starts to crawl upon his spotless being -the living excrement from our souls. The apple of his Father's eye turns brown with rot.
His Father! He must face his Father like that!
From heaven the Father now rouses himself like a lion disturbed, shakes his mane, and roars against the shriveling remnant of a man hanging on a cross. Never has the Son seen the Father look at him so, never felt even the least of his hot breath. But the roar shakes the unseen world and darkens the visible sky. The Son does not recognize these eyes.
"Son of Man! Why have you behaved so? You have cheated, lusted, stolen, gossiped -murdered, envied, hated, lied. You have cursed, robbed, overspent, overeaten -fornicated, disobeyed, embezzled and blasphemed. Oh, the duties you have shirked, the children you have abandoned! Who has ever so ignored the poor, so played the coward, so belittled my name? Have you ever held your razor tongue? what a self-righteous, pitiful drunk -you, who molest young boys, peddle killer drugs, travel in cliques, and mock your parents. Who gave you the boldness to rig elections, foment revolutions, torture animals, and worship demons? Does the list never end! Splitting families, raping virgins, acting exhortation, filming pornography, accepting bribes. You founded false religions, traded in slaves -relishing each morsel and bragging about it all. I hate, loathe these things in you! Disgust for everything about you consumes me! Can you not fell my wrath?
Of course the Son is innocent. He is blamelessness itself. The Father knows this. But the divine pair have an agreement, and the unthinkable must now take place. Jesus will be treated as if personally responsible for every sin ever committed."
The Father watches as his heart's treasure, the mirror-image of himself, sinks drowning into raw, liquid sin. Jehovah's stored rage against humankind from every century explodes in a single direction.
"Father! Father! Why have you forsaken me?!"
But heaven stops its ears, The son stares up at the One who cannot, who will not, reach down or reply.
The trinity had planned it. The Son endured it. The Spirit enabled him. The Father rejected the Son whom he loved. Jesus, the God-man from Nazareth, perished. The Father accepted his sacrifice for sin and was satisfied. The Rescue was accomplished.

The Rescue accomplished here was for you. John Stott writes, "Before we can begin to see the cross as something done for us [leading us to faith and worship', we have to see it as something done by us [leading us to repentance]. As we face the cross, then, we can say to ourselves both "I did it: my sins sent Him there," and "He did it; His love took Him there."
Did you see your own offenses on the list of sins that necessitated the Cross? If not, name them yourself, Name your darkest sin. Now reflect on the fact that Christ bore the punishment for that sin. He took the punishment you deserved, Do you fell His passionate and specific love for you? He died for you. He was condemned and cursed so that you can go free -He was forsaken by God so that you would never be forsaken [Hebrews 13:5].

Easter is coming soon. The day when millions of people will gather together to worship and give thanks to Jesus for His sacrifice. And is because of that act -Jesus died on the cross, that saved millions and millions of lives.
Why am I writing all these, is to prepared everyone for the coming Easter.
For those believers out there, we are still human -we still sin against God. However, the great news is that we can always come to our Father with a heart of repentance and, He will always be happy to welcome us back to His arms. Why did I not write that He will forgive us? The reason is, our Father had done it two thousands year ago. Moreover, in the bible He said that, He remembers our sin no more.. Because of the Cross, you can be absolutely sure of God's love for you and His complete forgiveness of your sins. Thus, do not condemn yourself or others and despise people who have sinned.

Jesus died on the cross not only for you and me, but for everyone in this world.. And we are all equal, be it murderer or not, thief or not, liar or not, we are equal in a way that we have done the most, ultimate cruel sin on earth, that is to send Jesus Christ onto the cross.. We are all responsible for the death of the only innocent who ever lived. The very sin of pride that caused you to love people is what killed Christ as well. We carry his very nails in our pockets. Hence, never condemn those who you think their sin are much more filthy than yours. We are all the same. yet different in who wants to draw near to Him.

So prepare yourself for that BIG day! =D
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you are my Robin Heiden.. (:

The very first impression he left me was that he is a stiff guy who does not smile.. I remember I was late and when I went up to him and asked, "Are you _____?", he replied "yea" in a cold way.. Initially, I thought he was angry with me [later he told me he was not], and that kinda put me off.. Thank God things started to get better when I got to know him more.. Till now, he is still as rigid as ever, but he is indeed charming in his own ways.. Oh yes, he is fierce and very particular about many things.. Beside him, he is the next guy who scolded me the most [as in when I do something which displeased him] in my life.. Yet one thing about him is that he is a very forgiving person.. There were many times when I did things which caused him to be very angry and he would reprimand me [as usual].. And due to my stubborn character and want-to-win-and-not-lose attitude, we always ended up quarreling.. Yet, he always forgives which caused me to feel guilty all the time.. Well, that's one thing I like about his character..

Thank God for him though.. He taught me to endure when it comes to egoistic people.. When you are in a midst of quarreling with them, do not bother to tell them how you feel or ask the famous question, "Do you care about my feelings or not?" You are just getting yourself into a deeper shit [very true, trust me].. Think logically, if they really care, they will not even get angry with you in the first place.. Hence, next time just keep your mouth shut and endure [it saves you a lot of heartaches and tears].. And thank God he is a lenient person..

One thing I realised is that there are always a hand-full of guys who revolve around my life, everyday.. Like what Nat told me before, "different season, different guy." Haha.. When I heard of that, I was laughing real hard inside.. It is true for me too.. I have much more guy-friends than gal-friends.. Well, please do not say I'm a flirt, I just get along with people well.. So right now, I'm wondering when the season will change and which guy God has planned to bring into my life.. I wonder.. Haha..
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Oh, have I ever tell you guys that the most romantic songs are korean love songs? Gosh.. I am so in love with their songs.. They just make you want to be in love..
This is one of the songs I like most... Awwww..... Tell me you love me~

PS: I Love You

2007-02-17T22:53:00.000+08:00

Before you continue to read my post from here.. I would first like you to know that everything I wrote is based on reality and of my true feelings.. Same goes to every posts that have been and will be published in this blog.. You may feel a little uncomfortable or whatsoever after reading my post, hence I would like to advice that next time before you even click on my URL, say a little prayer that the spirit of peace and understanding will fill your heart and mind.. It helpes, God bless..

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Let the Cross draws man to You..

"Oh, how many times have I broken Your heart? Still You forgive....."

As the song continued to play, the presence of God fall stronger in my room.. And you would know when the Holy Spirit touch your heart -its when you start tearing..
I went on my knee and this time round, I really cried out to God.. I was in so much of agony, aggravation and resentment that I could no longer put up the strong front.. I felt so weak in His presence..

One thing which really amazed me about Jesus is, He wants me to know that He really loves me..
At times when I look back at my life, recalled all the things that I had done which were not pleasing to Him, yet He still forgives.. When times I felt my life was miserable and dreadful, He came and gave me hopes.. As a result of Him, I became stronger and loves Him even more.. However, we are all humans and we do make mistakes.. For that includes me..

Honestly these past weeks had been tough for me.. Although I might have the everything-is-alright-because- there-is-still-chocolates-in-this-world-for-me-to-eat expression on my face, there was a battle in my heart -a battle between faith and fear.. Yes, I felt like giving up, throwing the white flag at Jesus and say, "I want to quit! I have sinned.. So forget about me.." Nonetheless, He is good.. That moment when I went on my knees and cried out to Jesus, I heard Him said, "Don't let Me go.. Let Me be there with you to go through everything with you.." My heart suddenly sank, but I felt so, so loved..
Talking about this, I realised that Jesus knows how to love me the best.. What do I mean? Well, I can say that He is indeed the best lover anyone can ever ask for.. In the world, mostly all gals fall for guy's sweet flattering.. Yet how many knows that nothing can be compared to His unconditional love, amen?!
He knows how to make me feel weak, softened and just go ga-ga over Him.. Overall, Jesus is a romantic guy..

Hence, for Him I told myself that I have to continue.. No matter how tough the going may get, to Him I can always cling on.. Even if the whole world turn against me, I know that I know, He will never leave me nor forsake me..

Every time when you feel condemned, when you feel that everyone is against you, when you feel like forsaking everyone including yourself.. Turn to the Cross and tell yourself, "Because of that one Man, I can never feel unworthy anymore.."

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[[转身的时候]]
赖雅妍

Well, obviously this is a contemporary song, my favourite too.. I remember before the plane took off from Jakarta airport, I was hearing this song and my mind was full of him.. I really did not bear to leave.. So the moment the plane started to accelerate and finally take off, I cried like as if I will never ever see him again.. It was quite dumb though -everyone was looking at me..

I'm glad that most probably [80%] I will be going back soon.. Not because I can't wait to see him -all I want now is rest, a break from everything.. I'm not feeling spiritually dry, just maybe is my heart and my mind.. For someone like me, don't tell me not to be emotional or let anything or anyone to affect me.. If it easier to say than to be done.. I'll be most glad for you to say some more.. I love to travel, so please do not stop me..

So, this time round, I will be a good gal and try not to pester him to go shopping with me everyday.. It will be that or he is coming in April.. I can't wait!!

If I say I don't love you anymore.. I don't think I'm lying..
I can destroy the relationship between us anytime, anywhere ..
But I know, my heart will break again..

I remember I drew this somewhere last year.. I would never forget that day..

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[[PS: I Love You]]
Aurthor" Cecelia Ahern

Ahhh... I can't wait for this movie to be shown in Singapore.. I love the book and I know I am gonna enjoy the movie very much.. It is a extrememly touching story, thus it was the first book which I ended crying after reading each chapters.. And I am so going to buy her other books and read.. =D

2007-02-11T22:09:00.000+08:00

you're my God-sent angel, and you'll always be mine..

Since today is special day, I shall blog some of my views about the people around me and a little about my private life..

Valentine’s day is coming.. Not to spoil any one's mood here, but I just want to point out my views..
To start off, I just want to comment about what do people, to be specific, young Christians really think about the terms, "build our relationship upon on God." Do they even have any idea what is the meaning of that phrase?
First of all, are they so sure that the other partner is the ideal one from God? Have they even pray and ask God about it? Do the people like their parents, Christian friends and leaders around them, approve of their relationship? Do they have a good communication with one another? And most importantly, is God placed squarely in the middle of their love lives? If all the answers are no, then how on earth are the couples going to "build their relationships upon God.." Sounds ironic huh?

Well in relationships, beside loving each other, the next thing the couples must do is to honour God.. Relationships are blessed by patience, purpose and a clear grasp of reality..
Today I see many Christians are disillusioned with the way romantic relationships are handled.. Everyone including me, desperately wants something better.. Yet we should always pursue an intimate relationship with the opposite sex based on scriptural values and a radically God-centered view..
I believe that getting our romantic relationships right as Christians means seeing God's glory as the ultimate purpose of any relationship.. Christian couples glorify God in their relationships when they put their needs aside and base their decisions on what serves the interest of the other person.. It is an expression of sincere love and the defining mark of a Christian relationship..
To add on, a couple committed to God's glory places their ultimate hope in God, not in each other.. Before two people can please God as a couple, they must first be individuals who want God more than anything else and who know that only He can satisfy their deepest longings of their souls..
What I am seeing now is that Christians couples are misusing the terms, "building our relationship upon God.." If God is not the middle man of any intimate relationship, I believe that that relationship is only driven by emotions and own desires.. Many couples think that obedience to the Word of God can be based on feelings.. However, its just not true.. People on a God-glorifying relationship want God's will more than anything else and follow the commands of the Bible no matter what the cost..

Seek first the Kingdom of God, and He shall provide you with all your needs.. Honour Him, and He will honour you.. I believe God answers prayer because He has never stop answering my prayers.. (:

Relationship between wisdom and romance is like the one between a string and a kite. Romantic love is the kite that catches the wind and tenaciously heads for the sky: wisdom is the string that tugs downward holding it back..

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Today is my first year water baptism anniversary.. Looking back, I've never regret making the decision to ask my parents' permission to get water baptised.. Initially, my parents were not very supportive of me doing so.. Yet they could see how keen I was to get myself baptised, so praise God, they finally allowed..
And I know after that day, my life had changed.. The moment I came out from the water, I sensed the Holy Spirit saying, "you are now a new man and the old man has died.." Oh heaven.. The feeling of going into the water and coming out was totally different.. Its awesome!
And guess what.. Since long time ago, I wish that one day I will be able to get water baptised in River Jordan, just like Jesus did.. Imagine the heaven really splits open when you come out from the River, and God calls out to you saying, "you are my beloved son/daughter.." Oh heaven, I reckon it will be the best day ever I live on this earth.. Amen?!

Well, beside being my special day, I just want to thank God for someone wonderfully created, 24 years ago into this world.. As a result of him, my life has became more colourful and filled with laughter every single day..
Indeed, God always answer my prayers.. However, never have I imagine He would send someone like him into my life -someone like my cousin, Indrawan.. (:
I still remember the first time I met him, oh gosh.. I thought he was some kinda toot-toot guy who is timid and anti-social.. And during our trip at Bandong, I even tried to hide away from him.. The things is, he turned out to be a very friendly, sociable and humorous person.. And since my Daddy is a joker, He brought Indra and I together after we hanged out once at Mega Mall.. I got to know more about him and I did not realise that I was starting to like him -as a cousin, of course.. Hence after that day, we went out together everyday and he would drive me around in his motorbike.. I reckon the best and unforgettable times were I went to his house to stay over, twice.. We chat through out the nights and it was the first time I opened up and shared about my life to one of my kins.. Ever since then, our kinship has became very strong..
Honestly speaking, he is the only guy I treasure and dote the most in this world.. Not because he is my cousin, his look, how understanding he is or how close we are.. Simply, I know that he is God-sent "angel" into my life and thus I want to cherish him..

Personally, I am certain that I'm quite independent and strong emotionally.. I've learn not to rely on people much or cry in front of people unnecessarily.. Just that, I only rely on those who share very close relationship/friendship with me.. They are the ones who I will turn to when my world seems so dark and hopeless.. They are the ones who allow me to cry and just be weak.. And then they will give encouragements and strength for me to stand up again.. And Indra, is one of them..
His voice and sense of humor have never and I mean never, fail to make me laugh and put aside all the my anxieties.. With him, I've became a much cheerful person, inside out.. He has taught me that this world can actually be a beautiful place to live in..

Dear Korkor,
Hari ini adalah hari spesialmu, dan ada sesuatu yang ingin aku katakan. Terima kasih untuk semua yang telah kamu lakukan untuk-ku. Aku senang sekali bisa kenal denganmu. Kamu selalu berada disisiku ketika aku membutuhkanmu. Jadi aku cuma mau minta maaf, tiap kali aku bikin kamu marah. Selain menjadi kokoku, kamu telah memjadi teman baikku. Terima kasih untuk segala kasih sayangmu.
Happy birthday korkor.. (: ]

With love,

Shavonne (:

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[[專屬天使]]
Tank

I want to dedicate this song to Indra, my angel.. (:

2007-02-08T02:42:00.000+08:00

You heard my cry, oh Lord..

Who loves me more than He does? No one..
Who understands me more than He does? No one..
Who is willing to die for me more than He does? No one..
And who is more ready to walk with Him for the rest of her life? That is me..

As some people may know, I work like a supervisor of the kids at my work place.. Hence, I get to interact with children a lot and of course, their parents..
Beside learning how to communicate with children better, knowing their character, somehow God has showed something He longs for me to do it, all the time..

Each time when I saw a kid fall, I noticed the first thing she would do beside weeping, was to run straight to her parent and cried out, "Daddy, Daddy.. I fell down and its painful.." And her father would just hug her and say, "Its alright, darling.. I'm here.. The pain will go away.." Every time when I see this scenario, my heart just cries out for God more..
Imagine the kid can just run into her father's embrace as and when she likes, knowing her father will always be there.. Knowing she can find love, comfort and security from him.. Knowing that he, is her faithful father.. And by some means, I know God is trying to tell me that I can do the same thing, to Him too..

To Him, I'm His child, His beloved child.. I have the right to show my weaknesses in front of Him, to cry, to vent my anger, and He will still stay by my side.. No matter what happens, He will still protect me..
But why? I do not know.. What I know is that He loves me so much that He is willing to sacrifice His only Son on the cross for me..

There is one thing I want to share with everyone who is reading my post now.. This thing may not feel anything to you, yet for me, it means a lot..
"Shavonne" is my Christian name which I gave for myself after my baptizum, last year.. And I am already very used to people calling me by that name.. However I realised that God never call me by that name.. Instead, He calls me by my real name, "Li Fang".. I do not know why, but each time when I hear Him calling me, "Li Fang, Li Fang..", I feel so close to Him, so loved.. I know, I am created just like "Li Fang" and He loves me just as I am..

"you are not a mistake.. you were born for a reason.. And the reason is to experience My unconditional love for you.." This what I heard from Him when once, I wanted to leave this world..

With love,
Shavonne. (:
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[[All for love]]
Hillsongs.

I was sitting down on a chair while the CD player played this song.. And suddenly I began to tear as I heard the sentence, "Oh how many times have I broken Your heart, but still You forgive.."
How wonderful is my Daddy, right?
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[[Your love]]
Written by Shavonne.

Verse 1:

When times seem so difficult to move on,
You came and gave me a little push..
When times I fell so deep,
You came and lifted me up high..

Brigde:

Who am I to deserve all these?
Yet You came and set me free..

Chorus:

You give all Your love,
Without any questions,
Without any demands in return..
For all Your love,
Many nations cried out,
For all Your love,
My sin and shame is taken away..
You are everything that I need..

Verse 2:

When times I turn my back against You,
You stay and wait for my return..
When times my desires seem to gain control,
You remain faithful and forever being so merciful..

Ending:

I am captivated by Your love,
Surrounding me in Your embrace..
What I long for,
Is You..

2007-02-05T01:38:00.001+08:00

Time to do something extraordinary for God..

On Sunday, 4 February, 2007, I've made a decision that I really want to take up this challenge and let God take me to whole new levels of spiritual maturity, discipline and communication..
The fact is, it will NOT be easy..

First of all, making of this decision is not completed without rivers of tears, tons of falling and standing ups, prayers.. And most importantly, knowing that I have to lay down my life for God and His people which means to obey and sacrifice..
Ever since I became a CHC member, I always dream that I can become a CG helper.. Remember what I said, "I always dream that I can.".. Yes, it has been one year since I joined the church, but it is only until recently, God showed me that I was always being emotion-driven..
There would be times that I would say, "Yes God, I want to become a CG helper.. I want to do something for the CG.. I want to be a spirit-filled and anointed helper.." Yet, when my spirit ran dry, I would just allow the fire of becoming a CG helper in me, to distinguish.. Hence, it became like a routine for me.. And mind you, routines are mundane..

However, praise be to God that He brought people into my life to help me.. Now, I finally understood what is emotion-driven and conviction-driven..
I do not want to be controlled by my emotions.. When my emotions are high, I will be so on fire.. And when they are not, I will go back to my old ways.. Seriously, it makes me feel sick at times..
After what I have learnt from the teachings and sharing just beginning of this year, I decided to make everything I do, be a conviction..

You will succeed in everything you do when you do it out of passion..

Likewise for my dream, to be a worship leader.. Although I have not join choir ministry, singing has always been my greatest passion, followed by dance.. Thus, I want to make it a conviction that I want to be a choir member and to really shine in my ministry.. And I know, God is working on it now..

Once I heard a great preacher said this, "If you want to achieve something bigger, your sacrifice has ought to be bigger.." Yea, it is true.. For example you want to be a world-class dancer, the time, energy and even your social life has to be sacrificed.. Isn't this something most typical people will not want to do? They dream big, but they do not want to do anything about it.. What is the result? Nothing -there is no even a start..

If you want to be someone extraordinary, your sacrifice has to extraordinary too..

Thus, right now I am training myself to let go of things which I fear to lose.. There is no point holding on to it, if it hinders your walk with God, your dream and purpose in life.. Remember, if you give God all your desires and seek first the Kingdom of God, He will bless you more than you can imagine..

I have a dream to chase, a purpose to live.. I will not allow anything or anyone to put me down, to rob me away from finishing my race.. I want to win my prize..

Love,
Shavonne. (:
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[[Now is the time]]
Delirious?

My all time favourite praise song.. =D

2007-02-01T15:43:00.000+08:00

[[I will run my race and win my prize..]]

I will make sure yesterday would be the last day ever in my life, crying out to God saying, "Father, I'm sorry.. I can't make it.. I want to give up.."

Seriously to me, it is very daunting to see something beautiful can turned out to be so ugly.. Something, like a friendship..
Who was at fault anyway? I believe its both parties.. Yet because of pride and ignorance, both denied each other.. What was the result? Anger and no forgiveness..
One has chose to forgive, forget and move on.. On the other hand, one chose to stay in the past heartaches, being condemning, not willing to forgive and let go..
Why? Why allow the devil to come and destroy this friendship?
Nevertheless, I will continue to pray..

There is no need to lie, the fact is, our walk with God is never smooth-sailing.. And that is what makes it so adventurous and fun..
Why? Well, don't you find if everything is serene, cool and easy to get, why does God want us to have faith? Why almost all the pastors in this world always preach on faith? The reason is, we live in a broken down world, tragedies to happen even to good people.. There will be times when we Christians feel so weak or struggle for breakthroughs during our walk.. Nevertheless remember, all these happen to make us stronger..

Like what happened yesterday night.. Yes, I almost gave up.. Gave up on myself especially my dreams.. Dreams that I have been fighting so hard for..
Somehow after yesterday incident, I look back at this period of time.. What is God trying to get across to me about myself? And I realised, it is my self-worth, my identity in Christ..
I finally understood that I am a very sensitive person.. If one comes and put me down, saying things that go against me, I can be very affected.. And God knows it..
I reckon that all these things happened for a reason.. Well, after what the three of my beloved ones and a church mate encouraged me, I know that I know.. I have a dream and a purpose in my life.. I should not allow anyone or anything to come distract me and pull me away from fulfilling my dreams..

And I give praises to God for making me so strong and to be able to stand up again and again.. What I want is to see is those broken people looking up to me saying, "I want to be like Shavonne, to be even stronger than her.. I want to believe God is there, and He can take away all my pains, just like how He healed Shavonne.."

[[Psalm 73:21-26]]

Thus my heart was grieved,
And I was vexed in my mind.
I was so foolish and ignorant;
I was like a beast before You.
Nevertheless I am continually with You;
You hold me by my right hand.
You will guide me with Your counsel,
And afterward receive me to glory.
Whom have I in heaven but You?
And there is none upon earth that I desire besides You.
My flesh and my heart fail:
But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

Love,
Shavonne. (: