I refuse to surrender to the circumstances of my life, I refuse to bow down to the devil and allow him to take control over my mind and emotions.
Yes, everything seems to be so unbearable for me right now. I have to be very cautious about many things especially the money in my purse and I have to say -it is very tiring. Sometimes at the thought of "what to do? I do not have much money.", my tears just start flowing. I could not do anything but to trust and obey. I have never went through this kinda difficulty before and right now, I am lost. There is nothing much I can do, but to pray and keep reminding myself, "no matter how terrible your situations may be, He never change." He is the Jehovah Jireh, Lord my provider.
What does it takes to make a complete, God-centered Cell Group? Nothing else but prayers, showing of love for one another and everyone truly seeking after God's own heart. Let the prayers be for love, unity and openness in the CG. Pray for God to open the gates of Heaven upon the CG. This cannot be done with only one strength, everyone has to come together and have a conviction to pray. Trust me, prayers work wonders.
I remember once, someone came to me saying, "you know ar, that gal stop coming to church le. She told me because she wants to study. Its like very what lor. She should put God and church first before everything and she rather blah blah blah blah...." Tell me what was she actually doing? -Judging and condemning. In the bible it says, "Judge not, or you will be judge, Let there be therefore no condemnation...." So why are we still pointing finger at one another, hurting each other's self esteem? It does not make you any holier or the sins you have committed are less immoral than their sins. All of us has committed the most brutal, horrifying and disgusting act. And that is to send Jesus to the Cross. However, God has mercy on us, cleansed us from our sins with Jesus's blood and reconciled us back to Him again. If He can remember our sins no more, why can't we? I always remind myself and seek for the Holy Spirit to help me when I speak to my members or anyone. And not to look at the situations from the outer shell but the yoke inside. I do not want to use words that will not leave a impaction in their heart whereas cause them to get hurt. Speak and encourage with love, that is more of Jesus's style. All of us are not perfect and what makes you think that you are the only precious in God's eyes? This is where compassion comes in. Look at everyone with the eyes of Jesus, understand them with the mind of Jesus and love them with the love of Jesus. Don't throw your frustration on people for they do not understand. Be wise and know who you can turn to. They have to freedom to choose what they want for their own life. The least we can do is to encourage them, pray for them and not to condemn them. We are here to win souls not to destroy souls.
Be broken and meek unto God. For He sees. ________________________________________________
you're back, angel.
Hohoho.. My birthday is coming, EMERGE IS COMING, term test is coming, 11 JUNE IS COMING!! Seriously I cannot wait any longer.. After all the chionging and hard work, I think I do deserve a good rest. And to be able to stay by his side will be the second happiest thing in my life.
When I look at my life right now, I cannot help but to feel content about it. Although I do not have everything I want for my life, the love and concern shown by people around me is enough. Sometimes I could not help but to feel like a little princess in their eyes, being pampered and loved. Never take advantage of that, because you may lose it anytime.
So yea... Shavonne is a grown up gal, smart, sharp looking, patient, compassionate, jaunty, crazy and not forgetting, CUTE!!! _________________________________
[[Move On]] Rain
If there is a guy who can sing this to me. =D
When are you going to stop crying As you wait for someone who isn’t going to come, closing your heart firmly Why won’t you see me I’m waiting for you, who is waiting for him
Move on move on You should just stop, that person isn’t coming Open up my heart now
Let me be the one to hold you tight Be the one you wait for every night I’ll take that person’s seat now, I’ll do it I will always be right by your side I won’t leave you like that person did
My heart that’s seeing you like this Is hurting the same way yours is because of that person My gaze that is watching you Is the same as your gaze that looks at the seat that person left
Move on move on You should just stop, that person isn’t coming Open up my heart now
Let me be the one to hold you tight Be the one you wait for every night I’ll take that person’s seat now, I’ll do it I will always be right by your side I won’t leave you like that person did
Turn around and look at me now, give me a chance too The scar that person left I’ll take it upon myself, making up for it forever by your side So give me a chance
Move on move on You should just stop, that person isn’t coming Open up my heart now
Let me be the one to hold you tight Be the one you wait for every night I’ll take that person’s seat now, I’ll do it I will always be right by your side I won’t leave you like that person did
With love, Shavonne. (:
Thats what i long for.
I crucified my flesh and emotions.
Finally, I took the first step of faith. Yes, it almost killed me when I went against my flesh and trust in the Lord that He would deliver me. It is not that I never experience this before; I just hate this feeling big time. I am tired of all these disillusions and limitations. I want to break free; I want to do what I always desire in the spirit. All these while, I felt so limited and my conscience kept testing me. I could not keep up on His pace and lagged so behind. It is time to speed up.
I have a dream, a big one that seems absolutely impossible to many people and sometimes, to me. Whenever I look at what I have in my hand and then at the dream, yes I would doubt and question Him. However, I know it is His visions for me. In the past, I only wanted to be a worship leader in my church who serves and lead the choir every week. Right now, I want something more, more than just being a worship leader, more than just serving in church every week. I do not want to lead a “routine” kind of life. After poly or getting a degree, serve in church every week, get myself a soul mate, work then have babies and wait for Jesus to come back. No, I cannot see myself leading this kinda “boring Christian” life. I want something much more extraordinary, much more desirable than becoming wealthy, much more satisfaction than only getting what I want.
I want to be a worship leader cum a missionary. I want to touch lives with the love of Jesus, to share and equip people with my life experiences and to comfort those broken hearted. I really want to go into Indonesia and bring a revival in that country. I do not know why, I have a greater passion for that country.
To fulfill this dream, I have to lay down my life, to place all my desires unto alter and to only seek Him first. It is definitely not going to be easy, but for love, I will do it. I have already taken the first step; I will continue and fight on. I am much stronger on the inside than you think I am on the outside. I am someone who never gives up. Even if I fall, I stand up fast.
“I want to share an intimate relationship with you more than anyone else in this world.” said the Lord to Shavonne. _____________________________________________
I will miss you.
Hey baby, Is she everything you wanted in a woman? You know I gave you the world You had me in the palm of your hand So why your love went away I just can't seem to understand Thought it was me and you, baby Me and you until the end But I guess I was wrong
Don't wanna think about it Don't wanna talk about it I'm just so sick about it I can't believe it's ending this way Just so confused about it Feeling the blues about it I just can't do without you Tell me is this fair
Is the way it's really going down? Is this how we say goodbye? Should’ve known better when you came around That you were gonna make me cry It's breaking my heart to watch you run around Because I know that you're living a lie But that's ok baby, cause in time you will find
What goes around, goes around, goes around, comes all the way, back around What goes around, goes around, goes around, comes all the way, back around
Oh one thing. Shavonne can't wait till she turns 21. Haha.. ________________________________________________
[[Letting go]] Brooke Hogan
Look at what you put me through Anything I would have done for you But it's not how it used to be When you and I were hooked on each others dreams Got stuck in reality and You couldn't make everything feel alright When I gave you the best of me I never thought you'd give me a reason To tell you I'm leaving I ran out of patience when you started changing And there's no tears left to cry Kept on hoping we could find a way to make it real And tell myself that it's getting better when it never will And I would never want for you to be alone Its so hard to tell you so But I'm letting go.
With love, Shavonne. (:
Thats what i long for.
Numbness. Lord, I never expect all these things to happen in one short time. How am I going to handle them? Am I bearing all these alone, Lord? I am confused and lost. The anguish I am suffering from, is not ceasing yet increasing. When will it come to an end? Lord, I can't take it anymore. It is like I am standing right next to the word "fall", any moment I may just break down.
Seriously, I am not at all prepared. I do not want to face what is coming -the pain of letting go. I just got myself out of that pit once and now, I am walking straight right into the next one, a deeper one. I do not want to see myself crying every single day, waking up every morning thinking "why the hell am I in this state?" and missing anybody till I can go insane. I hate it, Lord. I freaking hate it.
Will You once again, calm the raging seas that are crushing over me? _________________________________
I want to stay by your side. Forever if I may.
The thought of him, just breaks me. I wish I can remove all his agony and anger and place it upon myself. At least, I am able to see him smiling at me. What am I suppose to do now? I really want o fly back to Jakarta right now and be by his side.
I am not ashamed to say. All I want for my birthday this year is nothing but just a air ticket that can take me back to Jakarta. If you may, just give me cash. I need it more than anything else. I am sorry, but it seems I am really desperate to fly back to stay by his side.
I love you, my broken angel. ___________________________________
[[My Heart]] Irwansyah Acha Septriasa
Aku merindukan saya, sayang korkor.
With love, Shavonne. (:
Thats what i long for.
Updated. ________
Shattered.
I really don't know what to do. Yes, I was a little insane just now, all I want to do is to hide all my emotions, my tears and stop thinking about anything that would break my heart. Yet after I settled down, my mind was just directed back to Indra. The thought of him is enough for me to break down and cry, whats more if I gather all my other problems and burdens together? Its so poignant and I could not do anything but pray and believe. Yet when will my prayers be answered? I miss him, I miss him very badly. He is supposed to come before my birthday and right now, he will not be coming back. Yea, I am disappointed and more thwarted because he may not come to Singapore this year. Why? Why like that? He promised.
I'm not doing alright now, my soul is broken. I know it would affect me spiritually if I do not do anything, but what can I do? Everyone is advicing me to do this and that, yes, thank you very much for your concern, however thats not what I need. All I want is merely a pair of listening ear, a open and compassionate heart, a mouth that will not judge, a mind that is indulgent, a pair of eyes that see with love and a hand that will hold on to me if I really fall. Is there really no one else beside Jesus? Can this world be so cruel and selfish?
Lord, how strong do you wanna make me? I know you're answering my prayer but could You guide me? I can't do all this alone. At this moment, I can't depend on anyone for strength that would carry me through. I need You, oh Lord. I need you.
Why am I so callous to so many people now? _____________________________________________
Very soon, I'll tell you how I feel.
It has been more than 5 months, I wonder how much that person know me. From my temper all the way to my favourite food, it seems that that person knows nothing. I hate it when I smile or even laugh at the little things that that person say or do when I actually am very moody. I feel like a retard, seriously.
Anyway, I have enough. I can't go on and pretend that my heart is not hurt by that person. I know how much I mean to that person, how much I am needed in that person's life.
Do I deserve someone else? I believe everyone deserves someone special. But who? _____________________________________________
[[Just go]] Jesse Mccartney
Wouldn't you tell me so.
With love, Shavonne. (:
Thats what i long for.
Find my way back home.
I don't know how I am feeling right now. Emotionless, I guess. Well, tell you something special about me.
When I get emotionally bruised very badly, after a while I will tend to shut down my feelings and I will be on my moods. You may say that I am putting up a strong front or being "diao", I just can't seem to feel a thing. Don't bother to ask me whats wrong, I would like to know too.
As many of you should know, I never really like to write about my daily life in my blog. Usually I share about my feelings and thoughts, thus everything that I write and post in my daily entry contains solid meanings. That's me. _____________________________________________________
I try to fly away but it's impossible And every breath I take gives birth to deeper sighs And for a moment I am weak So it's hard for me to speak Even though we're underneath the same blue sky
If I could paint a picture of this melody It would be a violin without its strings And the canvas in my mind Sings the songs I left behind Like pretty flowers and a sunset
It's heavy on my heart I can't make it alone Heavy on my heart I can't find my way home Heavy on my heart So come and free me It's so heavy on my heart
I've had my share of pleasure And I've tasted pain I never thought that I would touch an angel's wings There's a journey in my eyes It's getting hard for me to hide Like the ocean at the sunrise
Love, can you find me in the darkness, and love, Don't let me down There's a journey in my eyes It's getting hard for my to hide And I never thought I'd touch an angel's wings _____________________________________________
[[If]] Beyoncé
Why? Do you really want him to take me from you? Do you even care? If that's so, let me know and let me go.
