am i so difficult to understand? So impossible to love? Why do i have to get hurt by people who meant a lot to me, again and again? i am not depending on people for just love and comfort words which will only satisfy my soul temporally. What i really yearn for is the spiritual things that can fill my spirit. i want to see and experience more of His goodness, His unconditional love and His faithfulness. Do you not understand? why is it so difficult for them to see what is in my heart, my real intentions that i really mean well? Why do i see those who have been running this race with me all these while, now running in a different direction from me? why do i still feel lonely when i know i am not alone. How discouraged i am, who knows but only Him.
Lord, i am not perfect and neither i am strong. My world seems to be in a mess now, Oh Lord, my Refuge, what should i do? People who You once placed in my life, are leaving. Lord, i may not understand all Your works, what You are currently doing in my life. Yet i choose to trust in Your goodness, that Your purpose is good for me. Others may not understand, may not see, but i know You do and You know my every thoughts and feelings. i will continue to praise You even it seems impossible, -i will lift my hands and praise You. Even if i fall, i know You be there to pick me up. Oh, thank You, Jesus.. __________________________________________
Will i be able to stand up strong?
I cannot recall when, but it has been a long time since i cried in a bus, -this time on the way to school. How many of you know that truth hurts? Yea, and it really has damaged my soul again, this round.
i have never doubted, never, that the love i have shown cannot be seen or felt. i thought i have done my very best to love, to care and to sacrifice, yet at the end it all claimed to be just my own illusions. And that i cannot be compared. When the truth hit me like a thunder bolt, my heart literally stopped beating for a moment. It hurts so much that i felt i was brought back to the past, almost two years ago, on that fateful day when exactly the same thing happened. That feeling was so familiar, that feeling of not being appreciated, that feeling of being fooled, that feeling of, "it will never be the same again".
For the rest of the day before i stepped into my house in the evening, friends were around me to console me. Thank you Choon and Aaron, i will seek your advices. In their presences, i could not give myself a chance to be weak and i laughed and smiled together with them. Yet when i reached home, when i was all alone in my room, i could not take it anymore. This time truly, i haven fallen and i am all alone. i need the right people in my life to help me. i need the strength from God. i need to be myself again.
It seems that i really am gonna go through all these alone. But one thing for sure, i will emerge stronger.
i need someone who is stronger than i am, who is more spiritual than i am, to lead me, to bring me closer to God. Are you up to it? Stop giving people the wrong impression about the both of us. It irritates me a lot and i do not want you to get hurt in the end. _________________________________________________-
With love, Shavonne. (:
Thats what i long for.
Love is crazy
Ahhhh!!!! This is crazy lah can.. My gosh!! I need help!! I do not want any confessions! I do not want to know their feelings towards me, i do not want to hear them saying, they will always be there for me!! Oh my goodness!! NOOO!!! 3 in a day confessed their love for me and 1 confessed last week. Ahhh... Like what the heck right???!!! I am not a flirt lah can.. I just get along with guys well. But the thing is, I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW!!!!
Haiz.. Of all the guys, why him... Why? ________________________________________
Praise You in the storm.
Who am i? What have i done? Do i deserve all these? Just why?
Questions like these have been popping up in my mind lately. Questions which i have no clues about but only He has the answers. Am i doubting? Am i losing my faith? i guess not.
It is only through all these tough times when i know that He truly loves me and i need Him more than anything else. Sometimes it is just hard to believe that there is actually a Person who loves me too much till He is willing to do the will of His Father and died on the cross for me. A Friend who will never turn His back against me even when i do and walk away from Him. A Friend who is faithful, loyal to wait for me to turn around and welcome me back to His embrace with open arms. A Father who will never say, "you've turned your back against Me and went on your way. Now that you want to come back to me, with your heart broken and a wounded body. I tell you, Leave! For I am angry and do not know you!" Isn't it hard to believe? Yet that's the message i want to bring across to everyone and anyone who has a wounded heart or lost hopes in their lives.
Even for myself, i have to constantly remind myself that i am His beloved, His blood shed on the cross has washed me clean and i am no more in condemnation. It is easy to fall into the devil's trap when your faith in God is not strong enough and difficult to fall out of God's embrace when you are fully secured about His love. i do not like to think that my Father is a angry God who always looks at people's flaws because i really have tasted His sweetness, gentle love. He only looks at our strong points and strengthen our weak points. "He is soft on people but hard on their problems", is what i always tell myself.
No matter what, i have to grow in my faith. Things are going well for me as the siritual warfare has raised to another level, but i will not surrender. Even if i fall during the war, i will pick myself up and continue to fight.
To people, it may seems to be a challenge, a test. Yes, indeed it is. Yet to me, it is divine chance to get love God more, to get closer to Jesus and to be more sensitive to the Holy Spirit. Always be positive, for Jesus is not negative. =) _____________________________________
Many people said Shavonne is cute and she agrees too.
ok.. i think i need to have more sense of humor. i can easily laugh at people's jokes but it seems 65% to impossible for me to make people laugh. oh gosh, this is no good. Haha..
Ah... you know what, i am very deprived of "gal's touch". Yea, and i mean "gal's touch". Haha.. i miss all my gals lah.. i miss those those bitching and shopping sessions with them. Not boasting but i usually hang out more with guys in school and outside till when i see a group of gals chatting and laughing together, i feel like going up to them and ask, "What are you gals talking about? Can i join in too?" Haha.. i am not a les and i am straight, LAH!! i love guys who are tall and strong built. Who has a great sense of humor and very good self image. ok, and i can not stand guys who do not how to take care of their breath. omg! EAT A MENTORS PLEASE or spray some mouth freshening!! And that i need a guy who can lead me, not me leading him. Ah......... Well... Nevermind.. Hehe.. I need gals now more than guys.. HAHA!!!!
To you: sorry. But i have to leave. ______________________________________________________
Praise You in the storm. Casting crowns
i need You, Lord.
With love, Shavonne. (:
Thats what i long for.
The battle is over, the victory is ours, Father.
"If you are to call upon My name, I will be there. you will not fight this battle alone. If you just call upon My name, I will fight the devil for you. Do not be afraid because you belong to Me."
What is actually being strong in the heart? Force yourself not to cry when you are being hurt by some one's else words? Force yourself to smile when all you want is to put on a expressionless face? I believe everyone and anyone can do that. However, who can continue to put their trust in God's goodness when all situations are against them? Who can say to the devil that he or she is never going to allow negative thoughts or even depression to set into their lives? It takes a lot of faith to do that. Are you up to it?
To be honest with everyone, i am not a perfect being. i have sinned against God and almost went into depression recently. Yet with the strength of God, i managed to stop myself in time. What took me out from the devil's trap, is the Cross. It is His Son who died on the Cross for me and took away all my sins and shames. I do not know why, but whenever I cried out to Him, whenever i could not move on anymore, the holy spirit would always take me back to the Cross and asked me, "He has died on the Cross for you and bore all your sins, shames and pain. Will you want to let him to die in vain?" And that is what keeps me going.
i would not say that i am very strong, but i know if one day my Father is ever to leave me, Jesus and the holy spirit are ever to forsake me, i will perish. Man cannot give me the strength that i want, the love that i need. No one but only Him and Him alone. What about you?
i have felt His touch, i have tasted His goodness. I want more, I want more of Him. My heart is now broken due to my past sins. Is it difficult for me to move on? i bet you never want to try. It is the love of Jesus, the Cross and the book of Psalm that encouraged me to persevere on, that strengthened my faith in Him.
To those who are oppressed and feeling weary in the heart, do not be discouraged. God is the strength of our heart and portion forever. Our Father is the all mighty king, if you just call upon His name, He will come and fight the battle for you. Imagine yourself in Jesus's embrace and He is hugging you so tightly. Yet the thing is, His body is bare but full of wounds, stripes and blood stains. He is protecting you constantly from all the evil and painful works of the devil. It is the same as He died on the cross for us. Will you let Him died in vain? _______________________________________
will you follow?
This time, i did not cry. Went to send my cousin off yesterday afternoon. Yes, my heart was feeling a little sad because i know i will miss him very badly. And i may not get to see him for the next 3 to 6 months o r even one year. Yet somehow, i know that i have to move on.
i realised that a few important people in my life have left to lead their own life and one of them is my cousin. As many of you all know, he is very close to me. Now that he had went back to Jakarta, he cannot be always there to guide me. I have been following his footsteps for the past 7 months and right now i know, it is time to follow my leader's footstep. Not that he is not doing well but i know he has his own life to lead, his own career to take care of. I have grown a lot for this past 7 months together with him, right now it is time for me to move on my own. Whatever i do, i want to make him proud of me.
Kor, Dede will be strong. And dede promised you, she will do great things that make you proud and glorifed His name. ___________________________________________
[[Why]] Nicole Nordeman.
With love, Shavonne. (:
Thats what i long for.
So much about love.
Many said i am a rich-in-emotions person. Well, that's partly true because i have learnt to control my emotions over the months. i am more sensitive towards mine and people's feelings and i just love to love. Yet one thing i must say, it is never easy to love people like how Jesus does -unconditional love.
Have you ever wonder what God is like? In the book of Isaiah, God is described as both sovereign Lord and a tender shepherd [Isaiah 40:10-11]. Our God does have two sides to His love: a hard side that's consistent, purposeful, protective, and mighty with judgement; and a soft side that's compassionate, tender, forgiving and merciful. If we want to love in a Christlike way, our love must have both hard and soft sides. Specifically, we need to remember that, He was always soft with people, yet hard on their problems.
i have learnt to let go and let God of people that, well, whom get on my nerves and hurt me before. i do not want to judge anymore but to look at them with the eyes of Jesus -they are the precious of God. Sometimes when i heard people especially Christians saying, "oh, i hate this person, i hate that person..", i would start to ponder. "Ain't we called to love God whole heartily, love people fervently? I thought you just told me you want to be more like Jesus?" Yes, there are times when i am very tempted to place my judgements on people who have got on my way or done things which personally do not think is right. However, i always need to remind myself not to judge but let God decides how He wants to look at those people. After all, they are still God's beloved and we have no right to say anything but to love them with the love of God. Like David, he committed adultery and murdered yet he is still called the one after God's own heart, His beloved. If Jesus can loves sinners and even religious leaders like Nicodermus, who turned to Him in sincere faith, why can't we?
So why hate? Love is much easier.
Just one question. Feel free to tell me your answers on MSN or anywhere. ;)
Why do people always choose who they want to respect and who they cannot be bothered? ________________________________________
Will you give me your all or nothing at all?
Oh. I was reading my bible just now as i came across this verse, Isaiah 43:4 "........... Therefore I will give men for you." Then i just burst out laughing and i told God, "Thanks ar God, at least i do not have to worry if i would ever get married."
Yea... As many of you know, i do not really blog about my personal or daily life much. i just do not have the habit of it. Anyway, things are pretty alright for me. Church is good, CG is good, school is good and Shavonne is very good too. Haha!
Ah.. And one thing. i miss my crazy and i-can-laugh-till-i-drop self. Man, poly has no life can. I always say Joa in JC has no life, come and think of it, Poly has also no excuse. I miss Nat, i miss all those bitching sessions i had with her in Secondary school. I miss Bian, Clement and Bar who never fail to make me laugh. I miss Keith because he always listens to my problems in school. I miss those English lesson when i always sat with Gar and copied each other works. I miss the Jamelyn gals. I miss looking out the window for cute guys with Gemma during every lessons. oh man.. This is killing me. Now i understand why all my seniors always say, "Secondary school life is the best time of your life."
Maybe right now, i decided to stand alone rather then to lean on people too much. Not because they cannot be trusted, just that..... "Leaders are always alone." i have to get used to it. ________________________________
