It has to be a joy to sing.

Before i flew back to Jakarta, i made prayers to God saying that i did not want to go Jakarta to just eat and play but to have an encounter with Him. I prayed that I would be a blessing and have favour with everyone i meet over there. Moreover, i prayed that He would show spiritual things when i attend their Indonesian church. Thus, one thing i have noticed -their praise and worship session is awesome!

When you are free, tune in to songs sang by True Worshiper, a Indonesian band led by Sidney. Their praise songs are so full of the spirit that as the saints sing, you feel the spirit of joy birthing forth inside of you. Not saying that the praise songs written and sang by bands like Hillsongs, CCC or even my church is not good, praise God for their talents, praise God for KC. Yet one difference between people in Indonesian church and Singaporean from my church -you will not know if the people in my church are singing praise and worship to God or just sing for the sake of singing. No offence upon saying this or to anyone in particular. The thing is, "Do feel you the spirit of joy and peace when you sing? Do you mean every word that you sing? And when you sing, what is your mind focusing on?"

When i saw how the Indonesians sing and worship God, i am amazed and touched. You will know that they truly yearn for God and everything of Him. The smiles on their faces as they sing praises to Him can really warm your heart and you know Jesus is just right beside them. Well, i have seen many people including me during praise and worship, yes, they are singing, clapping and even jumping, but somehow their focus is not on God. And there are no smile on their faces. Come on, we are not singing to a dead God but a living God. One who is just like all of us who love to sing and dance. He is not a "D" person but a very fun God. i like to imagine myself dancing together in the spirit with Jesus when i sing praise and when i worship, i imagine myself standing on the stage alone and He is the only audience watching me. Only the two of us.

I do not want to sing for the sake of singing. I want every word that i sing, goes up to heaven and touched God.
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God is the strength of our heart.

Letting go of things or loved ones that you love most, care about the most can really be the toughest and throbbing thing to do. It takes a strong heart and the strength of God to let go.
There will be times when you remember about the thing or the person, your heart could not help it but feel sore and weak.
Well, i am not going through this alone but together with him. I know he misses his loved one and i... I could not forget the one i loved. Thank God for him because I know i can trust and lean on him and he could also do the same thing on me.

Letting go is not an act of weakness but it shows that your heart is very strong.
_________________________________________

[[HATIKU PERCAYA]]
True worshiper



Love it!

Bearing the cross, i carry on.

"Time flies too fast, 6 months have passed", i thought to myself as i sat on the plane back from Jakarta. It has been a long, rocky and strenuous [spiritually and physically] journey for me. Yet, i am glad i have came this far.
Still remember for the first few months, how God proved Himself real before me as He assured that He will provide for me despite those difficulties to tithe and give. Well at the end of the day, i gave more than i pledged. Oh praise the Lord, Amen! Moreover, though it was a only a slight desire in heart wanting to spend my holiday in Jakarta this year, God saw and granted it. And i had the best time over there.
However, despite all these blessings, things did not go all well for me only until then I have a breakthrough.

Have you ever wonder how does it actually feels when you worship God with a heart that is free? Whenever during praise and worship, is your lips singing yet mind and heart are elsewhere or being burdened? Do you really mean every word that you sing during worship to God? For 6 months, i know my heart is burdened, trapped.

My Indra is indeed a blessing from God, someone whom i know i can lean on to. That night he was sitting beside me, we were listening to a worship song and he began to sing. As i was listening to him, my heart felt so heavy suddenly. There is freedom and love in his voice to God.
I knew my heart was not free. Indeed i love Him but i guess i focused too much on my sins and problems that i could not come to Him as a free person. Then he held on to me as i began to tremble uncontrollably. He prayed and ministered to me.
Yes, there are sins i have committed all these while that no one knows but only God. Sins which i could not forgive myself for.
At that moment, presence of God was so strong in my room and i know Indra was tearing too. I felt so weak and all i want is God. Indra began to ask me to confess my sins to him which i did not initially.

How could i? The sins i have committed are so ugly and wicked. i fear that if people come to know, they will think otherwise about me and the person who matters to me the most is him. I do not want to lose the trust he has for me. Nonetheless, he did not push me into saying and just held on to me as i cried on his shoulder. And he said this, "All He wants is your heart. Will you give Him your heart which is broken, darkened and burdened and believe He is able to cleanse and restore it?"
Finally, i confessed and he said, "God has forgiven you, i have forgiven you. Now, would you forgive yourself?" I began to tear even badly.
Sometimes, people just tend to think they are "more humble" than God when He can forgives for their sins but they themselves cannot. All these while, i admit i have not forgiven myself, i think that my sins are too sinful to be forgiven.
God is still a good God and He is the strength of my heart. I decided to set myself free by forgiving. No, it was not easy but by His strength i took that step.

Right now, i am a free person although i am still recovering. But i will not give up, I just have a breakthrough. I am still Shavonne, the strong one.
______________________________

[[Before I let you go]]
Freestyle



If she can ever do one thing, she will want to tell the whole world. She loves him.

Nothing is impossible to those who pray and believe.

Ok.. Right now I am inside Changi Airport waiting for the gate to open before I board the plane. Frankly speaking, up till now I still cannot believe I am actually flying to Jakarta, alone. Imagine a 17 year old gal travelling to a far far away country all by herself. Haha... I l0ve this adventure. It has always been my desire to fly back there alone or even to travel around the world. It is really amazing how my parents finally trusted me and willing to let me travel there all by myself. And I really want to thank God for everything, especially for Drew. Please do take care of yourself.. Don't fall sick.
So yea.. I feel like as if I have grown up SO much. Haha.. Well guys, I have to get going now. Most probably I will not be blogging till I come back. Anything just email me or sms me.. Will be missed.

Remember, Shavonne is cute and she loves you. :)
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Is letting go, the only choice left for me?

6 months ago before I left for Jakarta, I felt this way. 6 months later before I leave for Jakarta today, I feel the same way again. Why? It is gradually killing me inside. Who will understand?

Do you have a pen pal from oversea, or a friend you make online whom you never speak to face to face before? Somehow I wish I have one, hopefully a non-christian.
It has came to my attention that the closer I get with someone -emotionally and mentally, the more difficult for me to be totally transparent towards the person, sharing the deepest secret in my heart with the person. Forget about trust, it is the side effects I am more afraid of.

There are so many things I want to say, to pour out from the bottom of my heart to just someone, but as I look around today at the people in my life, I found none. And the truth is no one.
There are indeed people who are close to me, whom I really trust a lot. Yet sharing with them the inner things in my heart, I can't do it. Man are too selfish, too judgemental, and that includes me.

As I sat on the bus back to interchange last night, I felt my heart was heavy. Tears gathered at the back of my eyes but could not seem to flow freely down my cheeks. It has been some times since I felt this way.
"Tomorrow I will be back in Jakarta and I am going to see my cousin, I should be happy." I thought to myself. But yea, so what? Seeing him does not mean the burdens in my heart will be completely taken away.
Yet one thing about him that touched me the most is his ability to speak into my heart without me taking the first step to talk to him. The moment he called me last night after I answered saying, "Hi korkor.", he replied, "Dede, are you ok? Are you sad?". I was taken back.
I mean, I had not spoken a word to him for the past two days and I told him before I would be busy, he would not know anything that happened to me. And after I heard his reply, tears just began to flow down. He really has his way to pull down my strong front.
I did not tell him anything, but his love and warmth has brought me up a lot. And I guess he is the only person that is able to make me smile, laugh and cry at the same time.

People tend to ask me why I am so close to my cousin. The main reason is, he is a gift from God, an answer to my prayer, an angel to me.

I will be leaving today, I do not know what kind of decisions I will bring back from there. But one thing for sure, I will not quit.

To you,
I am sorry for showing my attitude to you on the phone the other night. It just discouraged me a lot when you could not "be there for me". I do not know what to say to you. I am leaving today, so please do take care of yourself in Singapore. Please eat, I do not want you to have gastric like me. I will take care of myself so do not worry about me. Continue to serve, because it is a joy to serve, not a burden.
_____________________________________________

[Seperti Yang Kau Ingini]
Jeffry S. Tjandra


My favourite indo christian song. :)

i choose to trust in His goodness.

"Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven." [Matt 5:16]

This emerge 2007 had been a great breakthrough and experience for me. From POS, to my ministry and my spiritual walk with God. I never know it can be so much of fun.
The thing that impacted me the most is when I saw how and what Sun has been doing for the people in China. She is so full of compassion and desire for the people. As I watched the video, I teared because I really felt the joy in those children's heart.
I asked God, "Would You use me like how You used Sun to make a difference in so many people's live?"
Sun has always been my role model, a woman who is truly after God's own heart. Yes, I do want to be someone like her -having such a good career, good family and always gaining favour from everyone. However, what matters to me most, is her heart, her love for the people out in the world.

In the past when I just started growing up in church as a young christian, the fire in me is always burning for God. I am always thinking of how I can become a more spiritual person and what I can do for the Kingdom of God. Not saying that the fire in me has stopped burning, but I realised it is burning even stronger now. For God and for people.
These past 4 months, I saw how God brought me from glory to glory, although at the same time I faced a lot of challengers.
The greatest challenge I believe God has placed in my life currently, is how to love people unconditionally. Grew up not knowing what is the real meaning of love, God asked me if I can love people like how Jesus loves the people. It is tough, no doubt, because all man are selfish. Being someone like Jesus, like Sun, having such a big heart for the people is what I always wanted. Some people may think that it is because they are famous, so well-like, thus I want to be like them. No, what for? Fame does not have a eternal value, you do not bring it to Heaven when you die. Only your character and attitude will follow you where ever you go.

The teachings of the Beatitudes by Pastor Kong have impacted me a lot and it definitely brought me closer to God. Being broken and meek towards Him is what I yearn to do. It is difficult and painful, but I will press on. I want to His name being glorified by my good works.

"What is the thing you want to change in society?"
Personally, I feel that there is a need to have more love and respect for one another in the society. Be it bosses to employees and the other way round, children to their parents and the other way round and even religious to religious. If there is love, there will be peace. And love is much less painful than hate. So why not choose to love?
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Beautifully Broken.

I will leaving for Jakarta in 3 days time. Oh.. Ain't you guys gonna miss me?? Haha.. I know a lot of people will.
But before I go, I just want to say a "BIG THANK YOU" to someone who is always there for me to lend a helping hand. And that person is none other than.... *Drum rolls* DREW HUANG!!!
Haha.. Cool huh?! Well, if its not for him, I will not be where I am right now. And i sincerely apologized for all the shits i threw at him when i was in my moods and all the nagging. I never know i can still be a great influence to him despite all those bad times. Haha.. Through His grace yea..
Well, but I feel that he has went through a lot with me especially when I am in my firm mode. Sometimes I feel a little guilty after correcting him and asking him to change to be a wiser man of God. Surprisingly, he listened. Haha..
Hence, I just wanna say..

"Drew, thank you for being such a good friend, brother and listener to me. I have not done much for you but you indeed have done a lot for me. I will always remember you and how our friendship is built where ever I go. Continue to grow in the Lord even when you are in NS. Just remember the song which I have dedicated to you, sang by Sun. Whenever you need me, I will be there to listen.."

Left alone, staying in a room full of memories.
Sudden loneliness, too much pushiness.
Can't hold on to the weight of the tear on the face.
There is a need for more strength.

Are you tired? Do you feel like talking to someone?
Hence, come into my embrace.

I am always by your sides,
Not allowing you to move on without me.
My gentleness, my promise, stay with you till the end.
I will not leave, each time you are sad.
My gentleness, my promise, can you hear?

Even if you do not know how to hide your pain,
Let me go through with you.
_______________________________

[Cry on my shoulder]



If I wanna cry.. Can I cry on your shoulder?

February 2007
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