I'm bored.. & moodless...


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Slowly but surely. I'm coming back.

I cried out to You and said, "Abba Father, please do not let me go. I do not want to walk this path of life without You."

It had been my fear and my doubt that He is here to stay with me. First time in my whole life, I feared so terribly that He would let me go, He would close the door from me. First time I felt so convicted that without Him, I am nothing, my life is not worth living.
Yet God is really a good Father, one who never turn His back against His child.

Monday's PM was a huge blast for me, totally. Although the word was very simple and short, the anointing and presence of God was there. And I was blown away as I gazed at God unfolding Himself real before me. Not saying that I saw Him physically but I finally fathomed that God has been planning out my life, He is always there. Somehow, it is like God knows what is going to happen to me and He is prepared if I ever reach my limit.
Thank God for TRP peeps, thank God that He had placed me under the care of the leader. Just when I was disillusioned that He is going to forsake me and there is no more purpose for me to hold on, God set me up. He placed me in that room, at the specified time and spoke to me. And God used them to lift me up again.

He just will not let me go and that is what I am convicted about. He could simply leave me at where I am, let me suffer and die spiritually. Yet, God is a stubborn God. When He wants it, He will get it.
That night I was so touched by His love that it felt like, I fell all over in love with Jesus again. I was chased by Him and now I am going to chase Him back.

My first love and He will always be.
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Break my heart for what breaks Yours.

I chose to believe it is a blessing from God and I will risk anything to protect it. I do not want to see history repeating itself again because it always involves the tender hearts of two people, their soul and mind. It can be simply destroyed just by one thing and that is sin. And hell no am I going to let that happen.

Personally, I am convicted that when you love a person, besides loving and taking care of that person, you have to protect his or her heart. What I mean by protect? It is like being a shield to the heart, defending it from any attacks.
Will you love a person and do things that breaks his or her heart? That would be so ironic right? Loving people takes responsibility because their lives are in your hands. You either destroy or protect it.

If you love me, protect my heart. That's all I ask from you.
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Sweetheart, wo zhi xiang ai ni, shou hu zhe ni.

Just want to love you
Rainie Yang



[[Eng translation:]]
I've finally said the words "I Love You"
Still remember that gloomy, rainy evening
The sound of the heartbeat, felt like dancing miracles
You looked at me and told me not to love you
Because you will only cause me pain
"Don't be such a fool!" [as I] quickly cried to stop [the guy from saying anymore words]
You were so cold
Suddenly felt so close yet so far away

I know that I maybe too young for you
I thought, I guessed, I asked, I've finally understood
That tears shed for love could also taste sweet

Just want to love you
When I decided to be with you,
Couldn't see, couldn't hear, couldn't ask, and couldn't let go
It was you who made me understand
How I can be so firm about love

Just want to love you
It's like every time I open my eyes, I can only see you
I know that often times I could be stubborn
It doesn't matter what you decided
Whether to finally love me or to run away
Sorry, I still can't stop loving you

Abba Father, don't let me go.

I have a question for you guys.
"Compare the current Shavonne and the past Li Fang, is there any difference? Good or bad?"

Many assured me that I have changed for the better whereas some commented that I have gone worst. To be frank, I admit that I have yet to change some of my bad habits for example -constantly assuming things of the unseen. And without fail, reprimands are what I always have at the end. And it sucks.

I remembered there was this period of time during the mid year, I kept on praying that God would help me to love and have great patience towards people. I used to be a very cranky and self-centered person, remember?
It was only during the recent events happening in my life, that I realised God has answered my prayers. If those events were to happen in the past, man I know I will blow up, kick some asses and make them scream in pain. Yes, that's what I would do.

Well, by His grace and mercy, I am changed. I have learnt to be patience towards people especially kids.
Man are just so freaking difficult to handle. Praise God that at least they still have brains.
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Why do you love me?

No, I am not trying to humble myself down and ask that question. It is just random. I know people love me simply because I am too irresistible. HA!

I once heard someone comment this, "The only person you can never get along with, is your current stead's ex." Well, I am not sure the reason behind it but some how it is quite true. I do not like her and the other she does not like me. It is quite stupid la huh..

BF has been smiling and laughing a lot lately and that makes me happy. The only thing about him that is irresistible for me, is his eyes. Awww... I cannot stand it whenever he stares into my eyes and I have to look at him. It just makes my face goes red. Idiot.. =D

Still, love him.
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[[Ai De Tian Guo]]
Cyndi Wang



Time never stops for anyone. Everyone is always moving on in their life and that is why their heart changes all the time.
Sometimes, I do wish that time can stop, and stop continuing. Maybe because I am just afraid that hearts will change.

your love forever.






Never have I dream I would be able to call him mine again, since 2 years ago.
Never have I dream I would be able to hold him in my arms, since 2 years ago.
Never have I dream I would look into his eyes and find myself there, since 2 years ago.
Never have I dream I would see him smiling so gleefully and carefree at me, since 2 years ago.
Never have I dream I would be able to be loved by him, since 2 years ago.



Every day after school, I would hesitate whether to take bus 14 to Interchange, take bus 10 and change to bus 229 or walk all the way to the MRT station bus stop to take bus 24. Deep in my heart, I wanted to see him, even if it is only a glance.
Whenever the bus 14 or 222 drove passed his school, I would look out to the basket ball court, hoping to have a glimpse of him. In these 2 years time, I only managed to see him once. And whenever bus 229 drove passed his house, I would look up and wonder what he was doing.

A one-sided love that I treasure.

Looking back, I find myself was very silly and cute. I do not regret for anything that had happened in the past. Everything I have sacrificed, sowed are worth it. For him, it is worth it. Really. =)

Baby, smile.. you know I am always at your side.
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I cried. Cried in my heart.


I do not understand this either. Everytime when I see or sense that people who are close to me, feeling upset and in pain -emotionally, my heart just goes out to them.

Do not look at how big or how big your problems can be. Remember God is still bigger than all of that. He is the same yesterday, today and forever. Amen. =)

I wish I can do something.

After the phone was hang over to me, the first sound I heard, I knew you were crying. I asked, "Are you alright?" You immediately changed your tone and cheerfully replied. But why? Why up till now you are still hiding from me? I know and understand you well enough to be called your De. I have seen you in your weakest and helpless moments, so what is this to me? It aches me so much to know you're in pain and I cannot be there for you. Please be strong, everyone is worried about you, especially me. And I miss you too, terribly.
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He is still the biggest among all.

I am not sure if this is my blood or what, but I just realised one thing. My mum and I have a sensitive soul. For my mum, maybe she is only sensitive towards me and my dad. Being a playful gal as ever, I did not go back home the whole night once. Was at my house downstairs the void deck, so please do not wonder if I went to fool around or not.
When I reached home, she was lying on the sofa and she called me. All she said was that she could not sleep because she sensed something was wrong with me although she had no clue what had happened during the night. I was surprised. She could sense I was not right even we were miles apart. Yea, I love my mum. Just that at times, I wish I can stuff some food into her mouth to make her fat. She is way too skinny.

Well, after what had happened. I have decided to stand up again. I cannot let people who still believe and have faith in me, down. It pains me so much to let them see me in such a bad state.

Sorry guys, especially Joa. I love you gal, the BEST! Hope you did not waste any precious time on me. And for you, all I can say is that your presence is greatly appreciated. You are the least person I want for you to worry about me. I know you hate to see me cry, but you always see me in that state and I know you are used to it. The moment I saw you left, my heart cried out even harder. Not that I still have that special feelings for you, but still... I am so used to everything about you. Cannot be helped. Thank you.
As for the both of you, thank you. Thank you for coming all the way down. I know I had did silly things to cause you two to worry, but both of you still care about me. Very appreciated.

And YOU! Haha.. I know you are waiting for your turn right? Well, sweetheart.. Thank you. And I am sorry for making you so worried about me. I did not turn my back on you on purpose and you should know the reason why. Thank you for comforting and encouraging me. Well, please do not try to be fierce to me, because I will be doubled fierce towards you. HAHAHAH!!
I will never stop suanning you as long as I am alive. Be prepare alright?! =D

Your love forever
Close your eyes,
Let me paint your picture,
Even if my heart becomes deserted through the changing seasons,
This much would do me good.
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I am not in a loving-lovely-in-love kinda mood. Haha.. But I like this song.
And I wanna sing to that guy. =DD


[[Loving me, just got to be you.]]
Lin Yi Chen



This song is for YOU!

[[Eng translation]]
Of all the people who know how to make me smile,
There is none more talented than you.
Easily break into the walls of my heart,
You complete the beautiful dreams of tomorrow.

The whole universe, vast & boundless.
Each and every little planet, revolves around you.

Loving me, just got to be you.
I'm willing to protect the happiness that you grant me.
Loving me, just got to be you.
Maybe we'll end up laughing while crying, but because it is you, I'm not afraid of pain.

The one who knows how to make me tear,
Emanate the deepest emotion.
Leaving a scar in my heart,
At the same time, you lit up the stars.

Look, there are so many encounters.
But only with you can we create miracles worthy of Heaven and Earth.
Oh, the crevices in my heart,
I think that besides God, you can make me happy.

I won't live my life without You.

I have come to a point whereby I know if He is to leave me or forsake me, worst still, all these turn out to be only a myth or a story. I will choose to die and commit suicide straight away.
I do not want to live anymore without Him.

I realised this world is a very spiteful place. Everyone is imperfect yet they expect others to be perfect, to be their ideal person. Not talking about relationships here but how many of you know what I am talking about? They just expect too much from one and another.

That was me in the past. After I known my cousin and my leader, they are the ones who kept on reminding me that people including me are imperfect and He came for those people. No doubt I can be a perfectionist at times and I used to enjoy controlling people to be who I want them to be. As time goes by, I noticed that the relationship became bitter or many misunderstanding were caused. And everything just turned out bad.

I want to change and am still changing.
No one is perfect. I have got that into my mind.

What is the new charismatic move everyone is talking about? Why is everything I, me and we? Why did I feel something is missing when we sang praises? For every sentence, there is a me, I and we. Yes, the songs are very inspiring for people, youths especially, wanting to do great things for His kingdom. However, when I listen to the old praise songs by Hillsongs or other bands, I feel His presence is even stronger. As for every sentence of the songs, there is a God is great, He deserve all praise, He, He and He, not much of me, I and we.

I miss Jurong West times. The sense of family bonding is much stronger and amorous.
And I seriously miss overnight PM at Jurong West.
Right Joa? =)
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forever I will sing of love.

Joa said I should blog of something happier.
Well, I guess so? Everyone reading my blog has been asking me what is wrong.
Nothing is wrong, people. I am alright and I know I can handle everything.

That person makes me happy.. I mean its really because of his one simple message that I decided to pick myself up again. Thanks for being there for me and constantly smiling at me, knowing I need that a lot. =)
Time flies very fast and I have known him for almost 2 years now. Well, those time were tough... There were times when I really want to be right next to him to comfort him, times when I just want to see his smile and times when I really want to die to kick his ass. Seriously, he needed that a lot in the past. Right?!

Haha..

Till this day, I still do not understand why I hang on to him since day 1. I have never really left his side although he had and sometimes we did not even communicate at all.
We have seen each other on our ups and downs times. And I still remember we cried on the phone twice together over some stuffs. Haha.. I guess that is why I am very sensitive to his feelings.

I used to hate him, he was a heartless moron, but now.... Haha... He is still stupid lah huh.

But I love. =)

Shavonne enjoys drinking but she is never a addicted alcoholic.
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[I wanna be with you]
Xu Ji Er



I love this song too.. =)

To you what is really happiness, "Xin Fu"?

I guess the happiest moment I had so far throughout this whole week, was when I saw my mum reading her bible. As I walked pass her room in the morning, I looked in and saw her so engrossed with the word of God and I just smiled to myself. It reminded me that God is indeed faithful.
Still remember when I was young, whenever I watched my mum worshipping other gods, I would doubt that she would ever get saved. Yet God's words never lie and she was finally saved last month. I am happy. But that's not what I called "Xin fu".

"Whenever I fall, You pick me up." Yes, it is true that God will always pick one up whenever he or she falls. However, I believe that He can only help to a certain extend. God is there to pick the fallen one up, but he or she has to be willing to be pick up and then stand his or her own two feet.
Many times I have fallen, God picked me up and I stood on my own two feet. But now, it seems that I no longer have the strength to stand on my own two feet to continue to walk or should I say, face reality.

I'm tired, I have no faith in myself anymore. Once someone told me this, "Do not compromise the standard of serving in the kingdom of God." Well, right now I told myself the same thing. I cannot do that anymore.
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Where is the love?

Sometimes when I look at myself in the mirror as I tear, I would smile and say, "There is no point crying, Li Fang."

There are these three people, who God specifically placed in my life have definitely changed me. They were hardly caring towards me, yet through them I became someone I may or may not want to be. In the past, I was a very sentimental person, someone who get emotionally attached to people very easily. I was once very emotionally attached to one of three. Thus up till right now, even though we hardly communicate already, whenever I am in my down moments, thoughts of him would still cause me to weep in pain. Whereas the other two have taught me how to discipline my emotions through a lot of harshness and poor at showing affections from them. Despite all that, I still thank God for them.

Right now, this blow seems to have caused me to waver uncontrollably. And my life is still in a chaos. How great. I want to cry.. Really.. Yet their heedlessness caused me to stop. And when I stop, it is tough to get me to cry again. I would just suppress all the emotions within me till I feel so emotionless.

I want to sit on the airplane and fly to somewhere else.
Every time as I look out to the scenery and into the sky from the viewing mall in Changi airport, I will feel happy and excited, as if all my problems have vanished.

There is where my dream lies and where I want to be. Outside, just outside of this place.
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[[Whistle]]
Tree Of Heaven



I love this song. It reminds me of the times with my cousin. How he took care of me and loved me. How he made me feel that this world is still a beautiful place.
Although we are no longer as close as we were, I still miss him.
I miss him saying, "Korkor sayang dede."

Dede juga sayang korkor......

No one tells me its coming.

I hate to look back. I hate to face the fact that people who once were there with me, now crumpling down before my eyes. I hate to see them destroying my faith. I hate to see myself running and fighting so hard alone, for no avail. I hate, I hate, I hate, I hate myself for being such a ultimate loser.

I want to see Your glory to shine ever so bright Lord. But why can't I?

"To your point of view, it may be just a small problem. To their point of view, it may be a big problem. To Me, it is only a problem, a problem which I cannot not solve."
"To you, it may be a a little painful heartbreak, or set back. To them, it may be a very painful heartbreak or set back. But to Me, it is a only a heartbreak or set back which I cannot not heal."
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Tired.

Like what my previous post stated, I get sick of people easily. Now I see myself getting sick of life very easily too.
I cannot handle all these stupid things anymore. It is too overwhelming.
My heart does not feel like doing anything, especially about the love thing.

I am not being emo here, whereas I feel like I am emotionless now.
Whatever~

You can be there for her, for them, for yourself. Yet you are never once there for me, to comfort me, to wipe away my tears, to protect me, to strengthen me. I feel like an idiot. I really do.
So now, F.O. You make me so sick.
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[Jealousy]
Paris Hilton


Jealousy is such an evil thing.

It sounds so cliche huh?

You know what? I don't know. It just seems to be very destructive to my spiritual life.
Yes, I am always doing things but everyone just gives me the feeling like, "You're not doing enough, try harder." I am not complaining here, this topic is too vague to even mention it. Well, I am really hecking now.

2 different people, 2 different views, 2 different convictions. And I have my own convictions and hell I am going to stick to them.

Seriously, people are the worst tools to handle. Up till now I still do not understand why God put specific people in my life to either bring me up or bring me down. I mean freak those who are there to bring me down. I am not a perfect being, baby. I do have my flaws. I do not need you to accept me but leaving me as who I am is the least you can do. That kinda people are such a pain in my ass. Goodness.

What I like to eat yesterday, I may hate it today -that's my character cultivated since young. Unique huh? Well, I think its a hinder to me instead but I do not care. I get sick of people very easily. Let me repeat. I get sick of people very easily, not all but a few. I cannot stand those people who think that they know me, seen me through from head to toe when they know peas about me.
Tell me how to love? Everyone now is talking about, "All things you do, do it with love. Love people fervently." Freak man. Then why do I see people especially leaders in work manipulating his or her people instead of speaking the love language to them? Is that kinda example set to let people follow? Ludicrous shit.

Whatever~

I love Jesus and He loves me too.
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Sex is not the end.

Most people say I am a quiet person, well I only speak when I think its time for me to do so. Yet most of the time I am observing and analysing people. I am more of a listener than a talker and I do get crazy and hyped up with people that are closer to me, eg: JOALIN KUAN LI YI! [Are you honour to see your name being mentioned here? Hahaha!!]
Yea, she is one of the few that can make me laugh like an idiot and crap like a crab. I love her despite she can get on my nerves at times because I can only complain to her about everything and anything. Oh man.. This is so touching right? [This statement is for Joa.] Haha..

Good Lord, I think I have changed to be more and more "alone", you know, always standing on my own views, critical in other words. With quite a few people like that in my life, no doubt I would become like them. Thank God I am still better off lah huh.

I am growing up, slowly from a very innocent, childish and young girl to a sophisticated, still young and mature woman. **Big BIG grins* I love myself now because I can think better than last time and at least I do not cry so easily anymore. Most importantly I can control my emotions well now. Frankly, I hate being emo. I hate showing the down side of me to people, I hate messaging those emo emo kinda sms to people and I just hate crying in front of people. Don't ask why, I do not know and I do not care. HA!

I am glad that I am going camp tomorrow till Saturday. So do miss me peeps.
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Some pics to show off. =D


We celebrated Joanna's birthday. =D

Isaac trying to act emo. Haha.. Crazy guy.

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