Do not lose focus.

I asked myself this question.
"If Pastor Kong or Sun is in my shoe, what will they do? Facing so much critics while fulfilling their heavenly visions and dreams, what will they do?"

Ever since I gave my life back to Him in 2005, He has set me up for a lot of trials. Beside that, He has placed tons and tons of people from different backgrounds in my life, especially people who are egoistic and pessimistic. I asked Him once, "Why me?". All He replied, "Because I have chose you and I want to groom you to who I want you to be."

Handling people is the toughest job. Their ignorant and words can really kill. Sometimes, they can really drive me up the walls and I want so much to use profanity on them. To show them the strong side of me, to proof them wrong about everything they criticise about me. Yet when I look at Pastors, Sun, leaders in church, my leader and my members, my heart just sank so deep. They are fighting so hard for God's kingdom, they must be very tired with all the temptations and critics, but they do not lose focus. Who am I compared to them?
I want to be like them, I want my prayers to be answered. Yes, my faith is being tested. I need Him even more now. People are always coming against me. Yet I want to press on and hold on to His love.

I still can recalled that vision very vividly. He was hugging me very tightly while He was beaten all around by demons. His skin was teared, blood was everywhere, but all He said was, "Do not be afraid. I will protect you." I felt His strength and I am feeling it now. I am feeling it now...

"Thank You for lifting me up once again. You searched much deeper within, through the way things appear. You only look into my heart. Thus let my heart stands so pure and bold before You. You are my strength, my freedom, my God in whom I trust. I want to be with You. I want to look at the stars with You and listen to Your stories about Abraham, David, Peter and everyone else."
________________________________________________________

[[Someone like me.]]
Sun Ho

Will you come and love someone like me?
Someone who is imperfect.
For love, I pressed on.
In my journey to pursue my dreams,
Misery filled me.
I am not willing to give up.

Take a look at me.
I do not let go.
When I was blinded by tears,
I used my voice to sing my beautiful sorrows.
Take a look at me.
My heart screams for justice.
I will smile as I continue my life.

There were times when I was trapped and lost,
Because of my dreams.
There were also times I experienced critics and heartaches.
Till now, I am still who I am.
For love, I press on.
For me,I would like to have a simple life at the end.
___________________________________________

[[You never let me go]]
Matt Redman



If my God is with me,
In whom then shall I fear?

How to keep the fire burning?

It must been a very long time since I last had a huge argument with my mum. Both of us were so agitated that we could not stop yelling at each other at the top of our voice. With so much anger inside me, I just stomped out of the house.
After which, I went to meet Joa to go for some window shopping at town. Yea, she was so sweet to buy me chocolates to cheer me up. *Thanks friend.* I wanted so much to watch the Chack and Larry movie, but still we are not 18 yet. Thus we ended up watching Mr Woodcock. It is a very boring movie, trust me. So much of advertisements, it turns out to be so sucky. Goodness.
Called mum to let her know I would not be back for dinner and would be home by 12. She sounded surprise as though I pretended that nothing happened few hours ago. Well, I could not be bother to be angry with her for long, she is too old to handle my stubbornness. Still, I love my mum.

School has already started and I am still not prepared. I am going to give myself another 6 more months to complete my first year and depends on my academic results, I may choose to stay on or just quit school. I will then get my dip or master when I am older. I am really tired of quarreling with my parents and always worring over money issues. I want to work, earn my own money and spend my own money. Freak.

Life seems to be a little stagnant now and I tend to feel weary very easily. I want to go back to that dance, club and drink kinda life. Yet I know BF will not like it and I do not want to disappoint him again. Oh well, but I want to learn dancing. AHHHH!!! Most likely after my final exams next year, I will sign up for dance classes. Salsa!!!!!!!!! =D

I miss BF very much now and ZW is back today. Man, I miss my leader too. I hope he does misses the CG too. =)
___________________________________________________

[[Missing you]]
1st Lady.



This song brings back so much memories.

It burns.

I don't really bother anymore whether they care or not. Ever since that day, after I called him, trying to find comfort and words of affirmation, he just shoved me away. If someone who is so, so close to me can do that, what is more from others?
I am not saying that I have lost faith and trust in people, but I have became more particular in how they carry out their words and how serious they are about me.

Imagine, you are here telling your friend about your problems. Yes, she tries to comfort and give advices. However, at the same time she is busy changing words on her MSN nick, thinking of what to write about her current life.

OR.

Your another friend always tell you, she understands you and know what to do when you are upset. When the situation arises, she tries to cheer you up, yet without considering your current emotions, what you really need. She just blahs out everything, showing no interest at all.

Tell me. Which one between these two, can open up your heart and makes you willingly to pour out your problems?
For me, it is none.

Some asked me why I do not always share openly and willingly. The reason is, "Who is willing to be serious about me? Who can really show me that they want to be there for me?"
I really do not heed to explain myself further when I find that the other party fail to understand the current problems and my emotions. I feel no point doing it becuase after going one big round, we will still come back to the main dilemma.

Sometimes, it is not advices or sympathy that I need.
A pair of listening ear and an understanding heart will be enough to make me smile again.
_____________________________________________________

Edited.

Kneeling at Your throne again.

Once again, I went on my knee and cried out to Him. It has been quite some time since I sobbed so hard, full of agony inside me. He was there in my room, I felt Him. All He did was to lend me His shoulder to cry on.
I did not understand about everything that is happening in my life right now. And the truth is, I have never love my life.
To most people, I am being regard as a cheerful, bubbly and mellow kind of person. Well, to a certain extend, I am. Yet, it is not until few days ago, when I finally realised.
I have never love my life.

At times when I look at some people, I would ponder and ask, "They have everything they need and want. I know they are happy with their life. How can I be like them?"
I know He had heard my cried and prayer the other night. And during service today, He spoke to me.
"Start looking at the things and the people around you. What you have and not what you are lack of. Circumstances may seem impossible for you to move on or cause you to feel alone, but look. There are still people around who love you and are willing to stand by you. Most importantly, you have Me. I am your everything that you need. If you start appreciating and treasuring the people around you, believe all things happen for good, you will love your life and find joy in it."

Right after that, I saw a vision of myself, standing alone, surrounded by a lot of people, people who play a part in my life. And they are all smiling at me. The most beautiful thing is, when I saw Him, He smiled and opened His arm. I knew what He wanted and I ran to His arms.

Indeed He is faithful and has been blessing me with a lot of blessings throughout these few years. Yet I have never noticed.
People like my family, my leader, my cousin, my very good brother, my other brothers and sisters, my friends and my lover, He has blessed me. And I know they love me.

Thus from now onwards, I want to love my life. I want to cherish everything and everyone that I have and give thanks to Him, every single day of my life. I want to stop being pessimistic and start to enjoy and be happy with my life. Will then I find adventure in my life again.

He is my freedom and He is the reason why I chose to press on.
______________________________________________________

I want to tell you, I love you.

Has been listening to a Chinese song sent to me by a sister few days ago. I do not understand why, but it seems the song is so appealing to me. I heard it was composed by a JC girl who had been cheated by her boyfriend. They had been in relationship for many years until one day her boyfriend decided to leave her. She wrote the song before she committed suicide. Well, I do not know if it is true but the thing that hits me real hard is, "Was she really brave enough to die without her love or just fear to face her life without her love?"

I know I am not brave enough to die without my love. I will be devastated, but not to a extend that I will end my life, regardless of how much I love him. However, situations like donating organs or even to end my life just to save my love, I will. Jesus did the same for all of us, didn't He?

Some people are just so selfish and naive especially when they fall out of love. They committed suicide thinking that if they are gone, their lover or themselves will be happier. Yet personally, I feel that they just want their lover to always remember them, to live in guilt and agony. Is that really call love? I don't think so. If you love a person, you should protect his or her heart. As long as he or she is happy with their life, you should be happy too.

Love is about sacrificing, but for the right motives.
__________________________________________________

[[Don't want you back]]
Backstreet boys



No, I do not want you back.

I feel so sick when I see you with your so called girl friends.
How you tell her that you will show her, what love really is.
You called me over-sensitive.
But I hate to see you giving most of your attention to them, excluding me.
Sacrifices I have made, you never appreciate.
All you say, I am not good enough for you.

Now I am walking away.
I know you will not hold me back.
All I can say, I will never call you mine again.


You were my Romeo, but I was never your Juliet.

Just try me.

Why are man such a phony, arrogant bastard? Those very self-centered ones especially.
Man, their asses are just too itchy that they need some scratching. No, I will not scratch, but I will kick them.
Next are those pudden-heads. Oh man, get a life? No, I mean get some good education to increase your IQ or something? Do not forget about EQ.

I may sound cynical or judgemental through these comments but seriously, I cannot tolerate such people. They are indeed a pain in my ass.

Father, help me to endure..
___________________________________________

Playful was I, faithful is me.

I do not know what to say, all I know is that it is time for me to walk away. Away from those that I have cling on to for quite a period of time.

No point holding on because one more person is just going to get hurt.

Live well, for you have a great life ahead..
________________________________________________

I should let go, walk away and move on.

[[Should forget you]]
I do not know.



Don't bother to watch the MV, just listen to the song.

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