Thats what i long for.
Bearing the cross, i carry on."Time flies too fast, 6 months have passed", i thought to myself as i sat on the plane back from Jakarta. It has been a long, rocky and strenuous [spiritually and physically] journey for me. Yet, i am glad i have came this far.Still remember for the first few months, how God proved Himself real before me as He assured that He will provide for me despite those difficulties to tithe and give. Well at the end of the day, i gave more than i pledged. Oh praise the Lord, Amen! Moreover, though it was a only a slight desire in heart wanting to spend my holiday in Jakarta this year, God saw and granted it. And i had the best time over there. However, despite all these blessings, things did not go all well for me only until then I have a breakthrough. Have you ever wonder how does it actually feels when you worship God with a heart that is free? Whenever during praise and worship, is your lips singing yet mind and heart are elsewhere or being burdened? Do you really mean every word that you sing during worship to God? For 6 months, i know my heart is burdened, trapped.My Indra is indeed a blessing from God, someone whom i know i can lean on to. That night he was sitting beside me, we were listening to a worship song and he began to sing. As i was listening to him, my heart felt so heavy suddenly. There is freedom and love in his voice to God.I knew my heart was not free. Indeed i love Him but i guess i focused too much on my sins and problems that i could not come to Him as a free person. Then he held on to me as i began to tremble uncontrollably. He prayed and ministered to me. Yes, there are sins i have committed all these while that no one knows but only God. Sins which i could not forgive myself for. At that moment, presence of God was so strong in my room and i know Indra was tearing too. I felt so weak and all i want is God. Indra began to ask me to confess my sins to him which i did not initially. How could i? The sins i have committed are so ugly and wicked. i fear that if people come to know, they will think otherwise about me and the person who matters to me the most is him. I do not want to lose the trust he has for me. Nonetheless, he did not push me into saying and just held on to me as i cried on his shoulder. And he said this, "All He wants is your heart. Will you give Him your heart which is broken, darkened and burdened and believe He is able to cleanse and restore it?" Finally, i confessed and he said, "God has forgiven you, i have forgiven you. Now, would you forgive yourself?" I began to tear even badly. Sometimes, people just tend to think they are "more humble" than God when He can forgives for their sins but they themselves cannot. All these while, i admit i have not forgiven myself, i think that my sins are too sinful to be forgiven. God is still a good God and He is the strength of my heart. I decided to set myself free by forgiving. No, it was not easy but by His strength i took that step. Right now, i am a free person although i am still recovering. But i will not give up, I just have a breakthrough. I am still Shavonne, the strong one.______________________________
[[Before I let you go]]
Freestyle
If she can ever do one thing, she will want to tell the whole world. She loves him.With love,
Shavonne. (:
