Thats what i long for.
Nothing is impossible to those who pray and believe.Ok.. Right now I am inside Changi Airport waiting for the gate to open before I board the plane. Frankly speaking, up till now I still cannot believe I am actually flying to Jakarta, alone. Imagine a 17 year old gal travelling to a far far away country all by herself. Haha... I l0ve this adventure. It has always been my desire to fly back there alone or even to travel around the world. It is really amazing how my parents finally trusted me and willing to let me travel there all by myself. And I really want to thank God for everything, especially for Drew. Please do take care of yourself.. Don't fall sick.So yea.. I feel like as if I have grown up SO much. Haha.. Well guys, I have to get going now. Most probably I will not be blogging till I come back. Anything just email me or sms me.. Will be missed. Remember, Shavonne is cute and she loves you. :)_____________________________________Is letting go, the only choice left for me?6 months ago before I left for Jakarta, I felt this way. 6 months later before I leave for Jakarta today, I feel the same way again. Why? It is gradually killing me inside. Who will understand?
Do you have a pen pal from oversea, or a friend you make online whom you never speak to face to face before? Somehow I wish I have one, hopefully a non-christian.
It has came to my attention that the closer I get with someone -emotionally and mentally, the more difficult for me to be totally transparent towards the person, sharing the deepest secret in my heart with the person. Forget about trust, it is the side effects I am more afraid of.
There are so many things I want to say, to pour out from the bottom of my heart to just someone, but as I look around today at the people in my life, I found none. And the truth is no one.
There are indeed people who are close to me, whom I really trust a lot. Yet sharing with them the inner things in my heart, I can't do it. Man are too selfish, too judgemental, and that includes me.
As I sat on the bus back to interchange last night, I felt my heart was heavy. Tears gathered at the back of my eyes but could not seem to flow freely down my cheeks. It has been some times since I felt this way.
"Tomorrow I will be back in Jakarta and I am going to see my cousin, I should be happy." I thought to myself. But yea, so what? Seeing him does not mean the burdens in my heart will be completely taken away.
Yet one thing about him that touched me the most is his ability to speak into my heart without me taking the first step to talk to him. The moment he called me last night after I answered saying, "Hi korkor.", he replied, "Dede, are you ok? Are you sad?". I was taken back.
I mean, I had not spoken a word to him for the past two days and I told him before I would be busy, he would not know anything that happened to me. And after I heard his reply, tears just began to flow down. He really has his way to pull down my strong front.
I did not tell him anything, but his love and warmth has brought me up a lot. And I guess he is the only person that is able to make me smile, laugh and cry at the same time.
People tend to ask me why I am so close to my cousin. The main reason is, he is a gift from God, an answer to my prayer, an angel to me.
I will be leaving today, I do not know what kind of decisions I will bring back from there. But one thing for sure, I will not quit.
To you,
I am sorry for showing my attitude to you on the phone the other night. It just discouraged me a lot when you could not "be there for me". I do not know what to say to you. I am leaving today, so please do take care of yourself in Singapore. Please eat, I do not want you to have gastric like me. I will take care of myself so do not worry about me. Continue to serve, because it is a joy to serve, not a burden.
_____________________________________________
[Seperti Yang Kau Ingini]
Jeffry S. TjandraMy favourite indo christian song. :)With love,
Shavonne. (:
