Thats what i long for.
To you what is really happiness, "Xin Fu"?I guess the happiest moment I had so far throughout this whole week, was when I saw my mum reading her bible. As I walked pass her room in the morning, I looked in and saw her so engrossed with the word of God and I just smiled to myself. It reminded me that God is indeed faithful.Still remember when I was young, whenever I watched my mum worshipping other gods, I would doubt that she would ever get saved. Yet God's words never lie and she was finally saved last month. I am happy. But that's not what I called "Xin fu"."Whenever I fall, You pick me up." Yes, it is true that God will always pick one up whenever he or she falls. However, I believe that He can only help to a certain extend. God is there to pick the fallen one up, but he or she has to be willing to be pick up and then stand his or her own two feet.Many times I have fallen, God picked me up and I stood on my own two feet. But now, it seems that I no longer have the strength to stand on my own two feet to continue to walk or should I say, face reality.I'm tired, I have no faith in myself anymore. Once someone told me this, "Do not compromise the standard of serving in the kingdom of God." Well, right now I told myself the same thing. I cannot do that anymore.________________________________
Where is the love?Sometimes when I look at myself in the mirror as I tear, I would smile and say, "There is no point crying, Li Fang."There are these three people, who God specifically placed in my life have definitely changed me. They were hardly caring towards me, yet through them I became someone I may or may not want to be. In the past, I was a very sentimental person, someone who get emotionally attached to people very easily. I was once very emotionally attached to one of three. Thus up till right now, even though we hardly communicate already, whenever I am in my down moments, thoughts of him would still cause me to weep in pain. Whereas the other two have taught me how to discipline my emotions through a lot of harshness and poor at showing affections from them. Despite all that, I still thank God for them. Right now, this blow seems to have caused me to waver uncontrollably. And my life is still in a chaos. How great. I want to cry.. Really.. Yet their heedlessness caused me to stop. And when I stop, it is tough to get me to cry again. I would just suppress all the emotions within me till I feel so emotionless.I want to sit on the airplane and fly to somewhere else. Every time as I look out to the scenery and into the sky from the viewing mall in Changi airport, I will feel happy and excited, as if all my problems have vanished. There is where my dream lies and where I want to be. Outside, just outside of this place.
___________________________________
[[Whistle]]
Tree Of Heaven
I love this song. It reminds me of the times with my cousin. How he took care of me and loved me. How he made me feel that this world is still a beautiful place.Although we are no longer as close as we were, I still miss him. I miss him saying, "Korkor sayang dede."Dede juga sayang korkor...... With love,
Shavonne. (:
